The Five Faces of Borderline Personality Disorder

May 3, 2012

NOTE: This is not to be taken as medical advice. I am not a mental health professional. I am only a mental. 😉 The guy in the video and myself, however, are well intentioned and know this stuff from personal experience. Also, May is Borderline Personality Disorder awareness month.

I really enjoy most of this guy’s videos (see below). I can really relate to his type of BPD though I can’t seem to make out where his accent could be from…

Anyway, I wanted to share this one in particular. What he describes in this video is what some BPD experts refer to when they talk about “splitting”, although much of the time splitting is only used to refer to the extreme black and white thinking patterns (aka cognitive distortions) someone with BPD tends to have. Now, everyone has contradictory thoughts. And everyone criticizes themselves and then tells themselves they’re good and that they’re no good, but the difference is intensity–extreme proportions, severity and severance of self–and the problems this severe severance of self creates in the person’s life.

Internal splitting dialogue goes something like this for me in regards to self-perception:

“I am a wonderful person. I am worth a lot. I’m needed. I am a horrible person. I am completely worthless. I’m a burden to my family.”

or

“No, I’m not a liar. Why would I lie about that? I don’t like to lie. I prefer telling the truth, no matter what. I’m a liar! I’m a fuckin’ liar. Just admit it P, say it, say ‘I lie and I lie and I compulsively lie’. It doesn’t matter if it’s about the little things. It can be the big things too. How do you know? One day I may lie about something big. I lie to myself already and I lie to you!”

or

“I’m so kind and loving. I feel so empathic. I love to love and help others. I do great things for others! I enjoy it. I enjoy bringing a smile to people’s faces. I feel so heartless. I’m so fuckin’ evil; I need to be killed before I seriously hurt someone! What if I kill someone?”

or

“Everyone loves me! I’m brilliant. They tell me so all the time. I know just what to say to make people feel good and they appreciate me for it. Everyone, hates me. Hates me. Hates me. All I do is insult people in the worst possible ways. I’m such an idiot. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Why else would he be criticizing you like that P? Because you’re fuckin’ stupid that’s why. You’re mean and stupid. How can you be so stupid P? How can anyone ever love someone this stupid? So mean!”

or

“I LOVE YOU ALL SO, SO, SO MUCH. COME OVER HERE SO I CAN GIVE YOU ALL A HUGE HUG AND A KISS. I FUCKIN HATE YOU ALL! FUCK OFF ALL OF YOU. AND FUCK YOU ON THE WAY OUT THE DOOR YOU FUCKIN’ FUCKERS!”

Once the punitive parent has her way with me, beating me ceaselessly, I crash on the floor and whimper and twitch and am lost like a puppy that’s been kicked; that’s my abused child. Afterward, I become completely detached, empty–the detached protector has taken over.

****

The borderline really believes these things though they are often contradictory and completely opposing thoughts–thinking patterns become ping-pongs bouncing in polar opposites. I am very much this way even though I restrain myself and am often aware of how ridiculous my thinking gets. BUT, I still somehow BELIEVE myself when I begin to think that I am this way and then that way. I do not allow for in-between in my self-view, my reflection. My world view gets tainted like a cup of water when a drop of blank ink is dropped into it. No grey areas in my view of situations come in when I’m having “an episode”. I jump from one end of the court to the next–no middle ground, no safety net.

The worst is that the beliefs do not go away; they settle all cosy in between my ears as I argue with them. They kinda just sit there and laugh. And I argue and argue. When that happens, the beliefs become so strong they turn into emotions; they become my Pretty Little Demons. And I end up feeling intensely like an open wound–so intensely that I just wish someone would shoot me just to end the intensity of emotions rushing through.

I imagine it’s worse than turning into the Hulk. At least the Hulk gets to kick some ass every now and then. Speaking of the Hulk, The Avengers comes out tomorrow! Wooop.

So splitting, I think you get it now. Kinda right?

Enjoy!

addendum: I find it funny that he places the “healthy adult” far off into the right corner. Like ole healthy adult don’t come out to play much. Also, he’s got pretty hands, don’t you think?

Advertisements

20 Responses to “The Five Faces of Borderline Personality Disorder”

  1. Very informative – I did some research and this guy is Dutch. Thanks for sharing – this is great!
    Hugs,
    Jane

    • PAZ said

      Ahhh. hehe. My guess was Swedish. So I wasn’t too far off. Thanks again for reading.
      Hugs

    • PAZ said

      lol. You weren’t supposed to see the other post on Borderline Personality Disorder. I wasn’t done with it. hehe. It was an accident. Ignore. Oooh well.
      Hugs again

  2. It’s a really good video. I think I’ve known people like that and maybe I’ll deal with them a bit better now.

    • PAZ said

      I had major issues with my brother growing up because he’d always say, “MY GOD P! Why are you this way? You’re going to be a bitter old woman if you don’t change. What’s wrong with you? Why do you say that. Tell me! Tell me! Huh? You’re not gonna say anything? Answer me!”

      And I would only become more guilt ridden and full of self-hatred and just punished myself after he was done with his lecture and had left the room. I gotta give him credit for being such a good big brother though, trying to be a second “father” and whatnot.

      But he never knew how to deal with me. Always pushed with the questions. I think I’ll show him this video so we can both laugh and make up…

  3. Hmm. In my worldview, there’s nothing but shades of gray. But I still have some borderline tendencies. What you describe here is something I go through. Sometime I love people and then I hate them a few minutes later. Most of the time, I think bad thoughts about myself, but I sometimes veer into the other extreme.

    • PAZ said

      I think in my worldview, there are endless shades of grey too. The only thing is, if I’m having a severe “episode,” then my worldview gets sucked into the dark whirlwind too. I’ll go from seeing those shades to only viewing the world as a complete black and white plane–a complete dystopia full of nothing put death and destruction or a world of only rainbows, sunshine, puppies and butterflies.

      Also, I’ve noticed that if I’m going through a deep depression, then the thoughts don’t bounce as much from negative to positive extremes but rather stick more around the negative extreme. But that’s just a guess from my distorted memory anyway.

  4. Thanks for sharing! This is what it’s like in my head often – another thing that leads me to believe I’m an un-diagnosed borderline.
    Maybe this is why I find it so diffcult to rate my mood out of 1-10 because it depends who’s eyes I’m looking though?
    I see everything in black and white, but I can entertain a range of emotions at any one time, making me think I’m a fucking rainbow!!
    I need to go and look up schema molts now.
    love y besos
    HS xoxoxo

    • PAZ said

      It’s possible you are Sailor. It’s schema modes. I made huge typo. I’ll have to go and fix that. I heard the guy wrong too what with my hearing and his accent. lol.

      My therapy session was dissapointing by the way. I’ll write about it soon, hopefully. Ughh doing all this immigration stuff today… My dad is criticizing and yelling at me like I’m some kid, saying I should’ve had everything ready last week. Well I’m not going to let my punitive parent kick in today. ;-)… I hope.

      How did yours go?

      xoxoxxx

    • PAZ said

      Sailor, you know how I said I can see a lot of the battle between NS and PS though PS tends to win? Well, judging from just your writing, I’m very much the same. I have PAZ, then Negative P, then VERY Negative P, then Positive P and VERY Positive P (I think that’s the happy-hypo-manic one). lol.

      We are fuckin rainbows! The only mood scales I can use are ones that allow for me to track “mixed” moods which is what I tend to have.

      You ever watch the Anamaniacs? There was that one girl, that character who turned into a demon at the slightest provocation? Not Dot, some other minor character.

      That’s me. ha.

      love y besos
      xoxoxxx

      p.s. aside from the schema modes, you should probably look up splitting in BPD.

      • I realised that when I goodled it and it said “did you mean schema modes??” hehe. I think schema molts sounds better though.
        I always wondered if anyone else could see it, I think my writing style changes when I read what one of the “others” has written. I always notice this when I look back on it and I’m in a different place.
        I think it is only my mum who notices on the outside when I switch from NS to HS or who ever. I did always think I had more sides to me other than HS, NS and Carrie, because there’s atleast one more I can identify which doesn’t come out very often, so I kind of forget about her. I’m definatley going to do more research on this.
        Was it Dotty’s pet that lived in the little box that looked cute but was a bit of a monster? I don’t know, I haven’t seen that cartoon for ages!!
        My therapy was OK, my new lady was very nice, I just think it’s going to take a while…… or forever…….
        Love y besos
        HS or NS or Carrie or all of us 😉 xx

  5. […] a guy with BPD explaining the kinds of communication challenges that one may experience. Thanks to Melancholy Manic blog for pointing the […]

    • PAZ said

      The guy has really good videos. I’d recommend you viewing some of his others. Aside from living with BPD, he knows his stuff. I plan to write more about this in the future since I’ve also been diagnosed. Just letting you know.

      Appreciate the read and the plug link.

  6. […] parent trying to punish me for expressing myself, much like the guy in the video I shared in my Five Faces of Borderline […]

  7. […] in particular helped me chill out after I was over thinking and letting my Punitive Parent (see Five Faces of Borderline) criticize me for sharing so much. I always carry such a heavy armor. We all do […]

  8. Lanette said

    You are really amazing. Thank you and you have helped me tremendously. I have been so long trying to solve this mysterious agony I have, until yesterday when I somehow came to this video. I have a long road ahead, but I will be okay. I get it now.
    Thanks, Lanette

    • PAZ said

      Lanette!

      It is comments like this that keep me going in the blogging world. I’m so, so very glad you found at least some sense of relief and comfort learning from what is on here. That video is great.

      I’ve been in therapy (for the fourth time) since my suicide attempt in May of 2012. I can’t believe it’s been two years and how far I’ve come in recovery, in life.

      You will be ok down the road. It’s got cracks here and there, but you’re stronger than you think!

      Best wishes and love,

      PAZ

Spit it!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: