Voluntary Hospitalization?

May 7, 2012

*possible trigger warning in which P whimpers like a blind, bald baby mouse*

The community hospital I go to doesn’t have very good services for some things. For others, it’s fine. But that first therapy appointment I had was a HUGE dissapointment. I had wanted to write about it. It was only twenty minutes and they could only schedule every 4-6 weeks. yeah, that’s not gonna help!

I’m not having very good nights. Suicidal ideations are reaching what I like to call “worrisome, realistic peaks” which for me are not merely suicidal thoughts I can brush off, but rather urges, URGES SO STRONG you thingk you just may this time.

There have been many triggers I HAVEN’T been avoiding obviously… And I need to be more careful. And that’s on me, I know…

But there were two triggers I had no control over. I had two very disturbing dreams about L last week, just a few days ago. Well, one was about his godfather. And I’ve had a few dreams about him since his passing almost two months ago, but the last one I had last week was the worst. In my dream I was at his apartment, only it wasn’t his apartment–he was living with all these other people–and I was trying to dump out some cocaine I’d found in his room. I was so angry at him. I was furious, “You’re doing this shit again L, really?!” I yelled. Things were said. I ended up taking a bump from the bag before I flushed its contents down the toilet. Then when I got back out, it was no longer his room; it was a hospital room and he was nowhere to be seen… A nurse was there making the bed. That’s when it got disturbing. I couldn’t understand what the nurse said. A lot of crazy shit happened afterward. It was just messed up. I woke up with that shivering feeling. I wanted to cry, but I didn’t until later that evening.

And I don’t know why thoughts of my hearing keep popping up. Maybe it’s ’cause I was taking that Wellbutrin that I kep thinking was messing with my tinnitus. If you go COMPLETELY deaf P, what’s the point P? You were a musician. Why does everything you love destroy you in the end? Oh don’t give me that Beethoven bullshit! First of all, you’re not Beethoven! No where near! And even HE wanted to do it; he too wanted to off himself. Remember his Heilenstadt Testament–it was basically a fuckin’ suicide letter to his brother. That’s why you’ve obsessed about it so much.

Last night and the night before I just sat from 1am until around 3 (I don’t remember), but I sat there on my bed crying and thinking about all of the pills I had in my possession. I was taking inventory. Will this be enough? I’ve never wanted to go out on pills. I’ve wanted some more distant, more quick way of doing it… I don’t know what I’m thinking.

I just looked at the left over clonazepam from last year, the hydrocodone, the zolpidem/Ambien, and one of those Pretty  Little Demons wouldn’t leave me, kept egging me on.

Just go P. Just go and do it once and for all. It’s got to end. It’ll end anyway, sooner or later, so why not sooner? YOU WON’T LIVE WITHOUT MUSIC! YOU JUST WON’T! What kind of life is that? That’s not. It’s not getting any better P. Fuck it all, it’s not. All these years and you still deal with this? This suicidal ideation. This other shit. What is it with you and death anyway? YOU LOVE IT! YOU WANT IT! You want to–you-I want to want to so bad. There’s the three bottles of pills, the rum and wine in the kitchen and a bottle of hydrogen peroxide in the bathroom to chase it with…

Then the other me, what I call the “REAL” me fights back.

No, no no. You’re so fuckin’ wrong! SO FUCKIN’ OFF! FIRST OF ALL I’VE TAKEN YEARS IN BETWEEN WHERE I PUT MUSIC ASIDE AND I WAS OK. You, YOU, P, were meant to live, to do, to CREATE, to LOVE. You’re so strong. You’re not deaf, not completely, not yet, maybe never even will be. NO no no. You’ve been loving yourself so much lately. Look at all that you’ve accomplished. Just one more day. Remember, one moment at a time. You were born to live. To live, to live. To TRHIVE. You’ve gotten this far, there’s no fuckin’ way you won’t go farther! If you’re going through hell, just keep on going remember? This is just a feeling, just a thought. It too shall pass. Think of your family. They love you. You don’t want to hurt them. Sleep my love, lay down and feel the soft things, call little Luna to stroke her if you have to… 

********

I just need to go somewhere. I want to tear my skin off completely.

I don’t think I’ll be able to finish that Hulk review, I mean Avengers or whatever, or anything. It’s absurd anyway, though that IS what I write, what I tend to write–absurdities.

Then I think of all that I have to do, the immigration shit, the two restorations which is the least of it. Finding work! HA. That’s a joke. Then my dad criticizes and complaining about the financial situation day and day out. ANd he keeps asking me if I could be his right hand man. I’m ALWAYS helping my mom because she can’t seem to do anything for herself….

I’m tired of that shit. I just want out. I want independence. I’m tired of the constant crying. Are these epsidoes getting worse with the years?

Just go to bed, just sleep. But I keep waking up. The restless legs things is just so much worse. My legs flail all over theplace.

My dad asked me if I’d been sick last night because he noticed I wasn’t right today. I didn’t say much. I didn’t say shit. I think he’s in fuckin’ denial about a lot of things like he’s always been. But maybe I shouldn’t push him away. Poor papi, I can’t blame him.

So hospitalization came to mind.

I’ve never been, not even when I had the monumental mental breakdown in 2008 and my brother called a psychiatric clinic on me. When the receptionist asked my brother if I was a “threat to herself or anyone else?” he said “no”, but the truth is I WAS.

It’s not like those places make you feel any better. NAAAH. They don’t. Do they? ESPECIALLY not a dreadful, overcrowded ole county places. That’s were they put people who’ve been arested and shit… I don’t mean this as offense to arrested people because I could be an arrested person too.

NO, then they won’t let me out, right? What’s it like at county psych hospitals? I mean, it’s kinda REALLY fucked from what I’ve seen and heard. I pass by there all the time on my way to my other doc appointments. What do they do there anyways besides drug you? I want to be drugged though. ha. Like that Ramones song. I sure as all fuck “want to be sedated”.

Could it be the added stress of these last few days and the recent change to fluoxetine/prozac and that I decided I wasn’t taking bupropion/wellbutrin anymore.

Night before last, I came very close to cutting. I just scratched thighs with nails all night to release some of that tension, well then I did some other little things I won’t talk about. I wasn’t drinking thankfully. I don’t do that now. I just couldn’t manage any mindfulness.

Should I call my psych instead? But then she won’t call me back until Thursday. Even if she calls what can she do? This reminds me of the story my dad tells when my mom wouldn’t leave her room for months so they called a priest on her. A PRIEST!? A PRIEST ON THE POOR GIRL (My CHILD MOTHER)! Know what priest said? “Girl needs a doctor.” Turns out she had the post partum, but no one knew that then.

Fuck all this man. I’m good. I’m good. I’m good. No, no, I’m not good but I WILL BE GOOD. I’m going to maintain. I know I can!

This is quite possibly the most ridiculous post I’ve ever made.

*le desperate, confused mouse cries*

*********************************************************************************************************

“Face your life
Its pain,
Its pleasure,
Leave no path untaken.”
~ Neil Gaiman in “The Graveyard Book” ~

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26 Responses to “Voluntary Hospitalization?”

  1. darling, i think you should go to A&E. they won’t keep you forever. couple of days tops, while they sort out your meds.
    if you can’t make yourself go then phone them. if you wait until after you have done it then you might not survive. this way, you get seen immediately. and don’t wait til evening if you are going to just turn up – you don’t need the crowds of drunks.

    • PAZ said

      Elaine, thank you so much. I think I’m handing it now. Whewww. But I just don’t want to keep having evenings/nights like these…

      • yes! sorry! ER. (A&E is uk – accident and emergency)

        glad you feel more on top of things now. could be just a glitch, but if it happens again or if it feels like an overall setback then ask for your meds to be reviewed.

        i am at a certain stage with my medication, myself. and i am not seeing someone regularly yet.(having been bumped from the ‘home’ team where they visited me every day) i am not sure how much longer i can hold out, so am giving myself this advice as well.

        i had a change of medication after being hospitalized and things were pretty good for a while, at least by comparison to constant suicidal ideation, anyway. however, i know that i am in a state which others would call ‘depressed’ even if it is better than i was…

        • PAZ said

          I doubt my family will want to take me. Don’t want to ’cause a scandal. I’ll do this, i’ll wait a few more days. If shit keeps feeling this way, then I’ll go on my own–take the bus or something. But I always want to jump in front of buses. lol

          • could you afford to take a cab? that might be an easier middle way.

            best of all would be if you have a friend who drives who you can trust. people often want to help. the bind is that asking for help can be the last thing that you feel like. if asking the friend who drives feels too hard maybe you could ask a mutual friend to ask them?

        • PAZ said

          Glad you’re better though. xoxo
          I think I was just triggered. I did take a shitload of painkillers. But I feel more relaxed, less on edge at the moment.

          I think I’ll try and lie down again.

          Thanks for your advice. It means a lot. I may have to avoid WP for a while… We’ll see.
          xoxoxxx

          • if you have taken an overdose i think you should forget the qualms your family might have and either phone an ambulance or ask them to do it. sometimes you have to break through that kind of family stalemate for everyone’s sake.

            remember, you can do locked posts – not sure if you can do friends only ones here?

            i’d appreciate it if you would let me know how you get on, though.

          • PAZ said

            Elaine, I ended up passing out and was sick all day. I am thankful you kept talking to me through these messages because it helped a little. I may have done something worse, though I don’t know…

            I did not go to the ER. But I will write an update explaining why and tell you what happened. It will be a private post and I’ll add the password on her and then delete it once I know you’ve received it.

            Or I can email to you.

            Thanks again for your comment/advice/support.

            BIG HUG

          • for sure.

            email addy elaineaxten@gmail.com

            i am glad you lived through it. i have been there myself.

    • PAZ said

      by A&E do you mean ER?

  2. the howler and me said

    Be careful when stopping meds… your body gets used to the mixture in your system, and you can start to go through withdrawals… You gotta wean yourself off the old stuff. Otherwise you have all those NASTY symptoms like you are losing control…

    I know I am probably preaching to the choir on this… but… I had to say it just incase.

    -the howler and me

    • PAZ said

      Thanks THAM. I know. Stupid of me but I only did so because every time I tell the psych I’m scared the bupropion/wellbutrin is fuckin with my hearing, i get easily sucked back into “oh ok, i’ll keep trying and we’ll see”. And back when I was seeing “good psychiatrist” at the University, she told me it was fine to stop Wellbutrin just like that–not tappering off or anything, which surprised me. BLegh. So I figured I’d do it this time without anyone’s consent. Of course, I may have made a mistake since this is a different KIND of Wellbutrin.

  3. DeeDee said

    I have noticeable increases in symptoms if I even just drop my dosage on Wellbutrin, so I’d be surprised not to have a bad time going off it completely without tapering. Or even with tapering.

    I hope you’re feeling better soon.

  4. I don’t think it’s a stupid post, did it help writing about it?
    Yeah hospitals suck, I don’t think it did any long term favours for me apart from the fact that it did keep me alive when I couldn’t keep myself alive. I think while you’ve still got the sensible Paz in your head telling you to hold on and fight this, you’ve still got hope.
    Keep holding on and remember why you held on for so long in the first place.
    Love y besos xoxoxoxoxo

    • PAZ said

      Sailor, that’s what I was thinking. I was thinking, as long as I have the positive, sensible P talking, I should be fine. But then I worry because her voice starts to get drowned out by the suicidal and negative P. I worry I’ll loose her completely. And if I lose her I lose control

      I didn’t fare well that night. I’m planing to call the psychiatrist today.

      besos
      xoxoxxx

      • Yes that’s a constant worry, because it’s a very thin line to cross, isn’t it? It’s like something suddenly snaps, you loose all sense of control and it is really possible that you could do some damage.
        At least you can identify it and you are doing something about it. Maybe it is the change of meds? I hope you get to speak to the head doctor, but didn’t you think she wouldn’t call you back ’till Thursday?
        xoxox

        • PAZ said

          I hope the head doc replies soon. These community hospitals don’t reply very quickly. The last time I had called, she didn’t call back until FOUR DAYS later. She’s only in on Thursdays, so that’s why.

          Yeah, exactly what you said. I did end up overdosing but I’m alright now–well my body is, not my head, though my tummy still hurts a little.

          I don’t see it as an attempt. I just wanted to knock myself out to shut up the negative P. uggggh. That only makes sense to a twisted head. lol

          xoxoxxx

          • Yep, makes perfect sense to me!! I can totally understand!
            I had to look up what a community hospital was, it sounds the same as the system over here, so I can empathise with the time they take to do anything :/
            4 days though? Sometimes it’s bad enough holding on for 4 hours! Like you said though, no one understands unless they’ve been there, but then if they were twisted they wouldn’t be able to help 😉
            xoxoxo

          • PAZ said

            community hospital is for people who don’t have medical insurance. people have to either BUY or get medical insurance from work and since i neither have a job (the “illegal” immigrant thing), nor money to buy insurance, then i get the community hospitals. not every city has them. it sucks.

            xoxoxx

            I’ll keep you updated with email.

          • Ok P, thank you very much, take care
            love y besos
            xoixoxox

  5. rich said

    not sure where you’re located, but in most of the US, if you voluntarily admit yourself for behavior/psych reasons, you could then be held until they determine that you’re okay to leave. there’s no telling how long that could take depending on circumstances to the individual. good luck.

  6. Joy & Ruin said

    this is pretty intense

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