A Small Rant

May 21, 2012

This looking for a new sliding scale therapist thing is sucking old man hairy balls (yeah, I got a searcher on that one too, could you believe it? “old hairy balls” Yeah, I attract the funniest searchers. No offense guys.).

Just called three different places. Catholic Charities didn’t even pick up. Then I called my Ex-Young Therapist and asked if she’d been able to find someone for me. She said, “I thought you were going to look at the guide and then call me?”

Oops.

I told her I’d had a crisis situation last week and that I’d done some harm to myself and that I have been calling places. She sounded irritated. I hope she doesn’t think I’m having trouble with attachment with her. UGhhh.

She said she’d closed out my file and that unfortunately, if I wanted to go back and see someone at the university, I’d have to go in on the waiting list again like I did two years ago when I started with her.

“I’m sorry P. But if you feel you’re in danger, you can always go to the ER.”

I don’t wanna go inpatient. I’m sorry I didn’t quite get what you’d said at first.

The new Male-Therapist-Who-Is-Really-a-She is good. I liked her. But every 4 to 6 weeks isn’t going to cut it and that’s all she can offer at the community hospital’s outpatient clinic. I may as well fight it out on my own like I have many years back.

FUCK.

I feel like quitting. This choosing to live thing has proven easier in theory than in practice. Maybe that’s not true though. I tend to have a skewed perspective when I’m like this…

Ugh… I’ll go through “the guide”.

I’ll will myself through this shit though I’m kinda not wanting to do the therapy thing anymore.

Time to make me some coffee and print this guide out ’cause the screen is making my head feel funnier.

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9 Responses to “A Small Rant”

  1. Do you have colleges or med hospital schools nearby. They have student interns that need contact hours- counseling free.

  2. Good luck with it! Does a therapist do things better than a friend would? A friend would be cheaper, but you can’t always find one when you need one.

    • PAZ said

      Thank you Beautiful Rose. And to answer your question, yes, a good therapist will teach you better coping methods and skills. Good therapy isn’t just about venting, which is something you’d do with a friend; good therapy teaches you DBT and CBT.

      You raise a good point though. Back in the olden days of real communities, people had to rely more on each other. I’m talking tribes old. And I think that’s something that’s a little lackin’ in our fast paced world, especially in big cities like this one. It’s just a personal observation.

      And then there’s the problem of communication. I have trouble with communication. Getting myself to actually TALK to friends was something I was working out in therapy before she had to leave. See, a “healthy” coping mechanism someone without a dysfunction might have is to run to a friend in time of deep distress. I do the opposite. I run to a hole and thrown on a cover and don’t let anyone in, which only makes it worse in the end. Despite knowing this, I find it EXTREMELY DIFFICULT to just say “I’m desperate,” hell, I can’t even say, “I’m upset” sometimes. To many years of conditioning I guess. My coping mechanisms are mostly maladaptive and working to correct those is something a friend can’t really do. ALTHOUGH, talking to a friend is something I NEED badly and it would help TREMENDOUSLY. But I get terrible anxiety. Eloise called me last week and do you think I’ve been able to pick up the phone and call her back? I keep spinning in circles trying to get myself to do it.

      Then there’s the problem of wearing friends out. There’s only enough “crisis” a friend can take. I doubt a friend would be very competent at knowing what to do if I tell them I can’t seem to get these obsessive thoughts about killing myself out of my head… Oh, friends seem to go when you’re down. Though the good ones are there. I just have a problem with relationships to begin with. And now I’m rambling. heheh.

      Blegh. Everyone has their thing…

    • PAZ said

      Thank you for inspiring some of what I wrote bout today Beautiful Rose. Please don’t take it the wrong way.
      xo

  3. I’m sorry you’re having such a tough time finding someone to talk to. Are there are any groups therapy offerings near you?

    • PAZ said

      There’s a DBT group I’m waiting on a call back from and then two days ago when I called the MHMRA service they said I can go to groups for DBSA which is the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance but I’m hesitant on that last one. Don’t know why. It makes me terribly nervous. Like I wanna pee my pants nervous. hehe. I’m gonna end up like the guy from Fight Club just showing up at random groups all over the city.

      Thanks for your sweet supporting words.

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