A Disclaimer and a Serious Question for My Fellow Beeper (BP), Borderline (BPD) and Other Mental Bloggies

May 23, 2012

I have a question for all of you bloggers that are writing personal blogs in an anonymous or semi-anonymous fashion the way I am. In particular, I want to ask the Beepers (those with Bipolar Disorder) and the Borderlines (those with Borderline Personality Disorder), but really, anyone who just writes about their experiences day in and day out.

Yesterday, after I wrote about my grieving, I began to realize that one of the reasons why I have not shared much of the stories or “misadventures” as well as the adventures in as much detail as I’d like is because I have fear of discovery. Also, there’s just not enough time with all that’s going on with me.

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Fear.

I fear that my family and/or friends or just people I know in my personal life will find this blog and feel insulted that I’ve written about them. Or that they’ll feel like I was distorting the truth. I also fear that those that are only distant friends and aquiantances will eye me differently if they read this. I realize I’m being a little paranoid. But there’s some genuine, founded concern in some of this.

I tried to keep as much of my family out of my earlier posts, as much as possible without being dull, but I realized how futile that was considering the nature of my blog is to: A) crack jokes and make comic-y doodles, B) talk about immigration and how my personal immigration experience has been, C) share my experiences of what it’s like to be mental and D) share my experience as a mental person who also has a physical disability/chronic illness.

Taking all of these factors into account, there’s no way in hell I can just write about my mental problems without writing about my familial problems and some of my fucked-up experiences growing up. There’s no way to separate one from the other. I’m not blaming my parents for how I am, but there are forces at play here beyond me, and we cannot deny how much our environments shape us and break us.

Here’s the thing though, when I wrote yesterday’s post and gave a brief example of what I think some of my invalidation growing up has been, I feel I mirepresented my dad. I also feel I oversimplified the whole “invalidation” thing (which I will get back to sooner or later), but I think you got that being the smart bloggies that you are.

Still, I’m conflicted with the relief writing brings me, the unrestrained flow and the fear that I’m mirepresenting him or anyone, or that someone will misinterpret what I write. I feel like–and I have to use “feel” instead of think in this case–I made it out to seem like my parents never let me cry and that’s not the case at all. One thing about Borderlines is the sensitivity level combined with invalidation or perceived invalidation. It can get quite layered. I just hope that’s not how I made it seem. My mother was very violent though, especially with me, and often ignored our needs (my brother’s and mine) but she came from a far more abusive household, so the cycle was just repeated with me in a lesser extreme. She didn’t know better then.

See, my dad has been a very loving father, generally speaking. He’s actually much more affectionate than my mother is. He’s the “lovey dovey” type that always asks for hugs and gives you kisses and showers you with little sweet surprises on your birthday (even if he has no money) and buys you ice-cream, etc. But I think some of his affection actually stems from his own fear of abandonment. He grew up in Colombia, was born in the 1940s to a single mother. That stigmatized him a lot in a country and at a time in our history when a single mother who’d had her child out of wedlock was akin to being a “whore,” thus making my father–her child–nothing but a “bastard”.

What I’m getting at is, that I have some anger issues about a lot of things still–clearly–and that leads to my mixed feelings about all of this. I want to share the bad because I feel this has been one of the only outlets where I can talk freely about some of my family’s dysfunction without fear of being reprimanded.

Besides, from an early age, from the time I could write I used it as a tool to cope. When I got older, I toyed with the idea of becoming a writer. Yet I fear that I’ll veer too much into the negative with this blog. I want to show the light too. And then, more importantly, I fear they will find this and not like it, not approve.

I say to myself, “Fuck what they like, it’s your blog. It’s not like you’re disclosing their names or anything identifying.”

I’m still hesitant.

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What do you guys think? I mean, have you experienced this ambivalence about writing about your friends, families, etc? I guess the memoirist and non-fiction writer must get some of this inner conflict as well. How do you reconcile the two–the freedom this writing gives you with the fear of reproach, of hurting those you write about? Do you fear reproach?

I’d love to read your replies but you don’t have to answer all of the questions or any of them. Feel free to share your experiences/conflicts about blogging however you like, or don’t.  I just thank you for reading. 🙂

I appreciate those who’ve read and those I’ve shared ideas and experiences with in particular. Also, since NO ONE seems to click on my other pages 😉 (e.g. my Disclaimer page), hehe, I figured I’d put it in a post and MAKE YOU READ IT. muahahah.

Much love to you bloggers. Blog on!

addendum: I forgot to mention, I got my 100th follower sometime last week. When I started this blog, I didn’t even know that was possible. And I’m at 3,939 views. Not that that should matter much, but it just shows me what dedicated readers and WordPress addicts you all are!

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The Disclaimer

This blog is not for the faint of heart. Some content may be triggering so if you have a case of the mentals and believe you’re feeling unstable, look away. I joke a lot but I’m not kidding here. I’ve had to back away from other’s triggering posts too and from blogs I generally enjoy reading, so please note this.

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If you are offended by any content here, should you take offense, well then… you’re a big wiener. LIKE THIS WEINER!

In all seriousness, I don’t mean disrespect, but… you’re still a wiener, a flacid one at that.

I appreciate and respect different points of view, but hate talk will be ignored. I admit though, I can also be harsh, vicious eve, especially when it comes to IGRNORAMUSNESS.

A lot of conversations have been translated from Spanish to English so things may be lost in translation.

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Names have been abbreviated or fictionalized for discretion to protect the innocent and the guilty. These stories are not a representation of their person as they are based on my perceptions and/or my distorted memories and tendency toward employing hyperbole for comical effect. (Readers, I don’t underestimate your intelligence so I assume you already know this but I gotta watch my back y’all.)

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I make a LOT of assumptions and statements about psychology, psychiatry, mental disorders and mental health/illness but I am NOT a mental health professional. Sometimes I bash psychiatry, other times I cuddle it. My statements are not empirical. They are merely based on reading from mental health professionals, my own research of other’s research and my personal experience as a mental health patient as well as observing, reading and hearing the anecdotes of other mental health patients. To me, that personal means a lot, however.

By poking fun of mental health issues, I am not trivializing mental disorders. I’ve lived with a number of them most of my life, so I have no wish to trivialize and further stigmatize my own mental struggles as well as those of others. I am making fun of how others trivialize and misinterpret mental health/illness. I’m merely a mental humorist and a poet (aw sheeeit, note what I just did there?). Besides, I just have to laugh a hearty laugh before I finally put the barrel in and pull the trigger.

bukowski crazy

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If you think you know me, you probably don’t. Even if you do, you don’t know a lot about me. So if you do, please don’t mention anything personal about me on here or elsewhere. Please leave that to me, myself and I and yo and je. Oh wait, never mind, I just won’t approve any of your comments if you do!

I don’t wanna take myself or anything too seriously even though sometimes I tend to.

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34 Responses to “A Disclaimer and a Serious Question for My Fellow Beeper (BP), Borderline (BPD) and Other Mental Bloggies”

  1. Angel O'Fire said

    honey don’t ever fear what you know in your heart of hearts to be true, I started blogging way back in window’s live space’s never giving it a 2nd thought that it was there for the entire world to see,
    I am exactly the same when I type as when I speak, so you can imagine the mayhem I seem to cause *grins
    You are learning how to deal with a whole new set of emotional issues right now and if somebody does realize your you, well stuff em if they don’t like to read things that you may of written about them or things that you feel regarding that person
    Your blog space is yours to write how you feel and blab about what ever you want to, if somebody comes into it and dosnt like what you have to say, simply tell them not to let the door hit em on the way out.
    Stand strong and proud girl you have come a long way, and your going to get through this next hurdle to and the one after that and so on and so on xx ((hugs)))
    Angel

    • PAZ said

      Heheh. Thanks so much lady. I appreciate the feedback. I get what you mean. If I experienced it that way and write it the way I saw/see it, then I should not fear what others think. I’m just a sucker for approval and I don’t like to hurt others. Then again, I’m a mean ass “bitch” sometimes, when the time calls for it, if you know what I mean.

      I’m glad you’re so bold and steadfast in your writing.

      Hugs Angel xoxoxxx

  2. My blog is cartoons and humor so I do not share personal things. I follow blog A Friend to Yourself by Dr. SJQ, MD, PhD, Psychiatry re personal issues and issues of mutual interest with followers – depression, bi polar, anxiety. She is just wonderful and naturally confidentiality maintained. You will not regret following.

  3. I’ve read your disclamer millions of years ago, I always read disclamers. Maybe that’s the OCD in me……..
    I had the fear when I first started writing that people would find me. I think, anyone who knows me in the real world and stumbled upon my blog would know it’s me anyway. I feel like I’m massively obvious. I even deleted this blog twice before realising a few things – one is there are 7million people in the world. Looking at the blog stats on a daily basis – how much of a chance is there that one of the few people you know being one of those stats?
    Secondly, there is the disclamer. If people don’t like what I’ve written, they shouldn’t have read it once they realised it was me.
    Third – All names are changed, so I could massively deny it anyway. 7million people in the world? I’m sure there is another Carrie out there who lives by the sea 😉
    Also, have you tried googling yourself? My blog is pretty difficult to find.
    I think most people, like real life people as well as blog people, would understand that things get said in the heat of the moment. Also most of my friends and family understand that I struggle with emotions, so if I did write something bad about them (and I know being mental is sometimes no excuse for being a bitch) they would forgive me, because they know sometimes writing it all down is the only way I cope.
    Love y besos PAZ!!! xoxoxoxo

    • 7 Billion not 7 million. I don’t know how big the mistake is, but it probably matters!!
      Maths is not my strong point.

    • PAZ said

      So that was YOU! The ONLY click I got for my “Disclaimer”. I guess you’re much like me in that sense too. I almost always click the links people provide, especially if they’re links to the person’s own page.

      You’re the only one that’s clicked some of my links I think hehe. I have OCD tendencies like with the time and watches but not enough to be in the OCD realm. My bro is severely, or rather has severe OCD and I know he’s very private about his issues too.

      I know what you mean. There is just too much of a small chance, or wait too little of a chance I mean. I think you meant 7 billion! Though I think it’s nearing 9 billion now as we grow exponentially, population-wise.

      I worry too much and am a bit paranoid. I told my parents I had a poetry blog and although my dad often asks me what I’m writing, I don’t see a threat or a curiosity in them to try and look me up or anything like that. Besides, I write in English! They don’t read English very well! mwuahah. See I fear the stigma too. Blegh.

      Oh and I’ve only looked up my blog under key words like “melancholic mouse” but not under my own personal name. Paz is not my name as you already know. It’s my initials and also means peace in Spanish which I find to be pretty cool.

      Writing is a good way of coping. Though, all in moderation.

      Thanks for sharing Sailor Carrie

      love y besos xoxoxxx

      • Ha ha that’s funny. I often follow links. I especially liked the ones you did where you put pictures of Indian food, wasn’t it a samosa? I really wanted a samosa after that. Dammit I want a samosa now……
        My family know I write, they think it’s a bit nerdy, but I enjoy it so they can swivel. They would like to read, but I couldn’t write as openly if I knew they were reading.
        I fear stigma, but I feel like here there is no stigma. If people don’t like my blog, they don’t follow and don’t read again. In real life it’s worse, but W always says if they don’t accept you for who you are, they aren’t worth knowing anyway.
        And that is cool that PAZ is Spanish for peace 🙂
        xoxoxoxo
        P.S we could ban maths, but then how would I be able to be OCD about how many biscuits/samosas I eat? It has to be an even number or seven. Although seven samosas sounds too much.

        • PAZ said

          You’re right about stigma not being too bad. It goes both ways for me. I do think people see you, correction SOME PEOPLE see you differently after they find out you go to a psychiatrist, etc. But I’m so glad you’re able to be open at work. I know it’s not easy. It’s like coming out that you’re gay. 🙂 That’s how I see it at least. Your friend W is wise. Good you work with her.

          And man, I’ve been craving Indian for for some time now…

          xoxoxxx

          • Yeah thats a good point, it is like coming out. I do feel better now my mentalness is out in the open though, its a lot less stressful than hiding it and pretending it’s not there. I’ll probably change my mind in a day or two – watch this space 😉
            I’d love me an onion bhaji and some naan bread. I think I might treat myself at the weekend……. mmmmmmmm xoxoxox

  4. Gabriel... said

    Hi.

    When I started my recovery blog I needed a place where I could be as honest as I possibly could, and that meant having a place where I could make mistakes, or write imperfectly and even imprecisely about my life, without having people in my “real life” correcting me, judging me or giving me their side of what happened. It had to be about my memories. When I needed their ‘clarifications’ I could ask them over coffee. But first, I needed a place to put my own life into order.

    I have no problem telling people (in real life) about the manic depression and, if those people ask, I’ll talk to them all day about the recovery. But, in addition to keeping my family from interfering with my recovery, mostly I’ve kept my salted lithium blog anonymous because I don’t want my brothers and sisters and mother, to have their lives — or my perspective of their lives — out in the open.

    Plus, the only way recovery blogs can work as a tool in our recovery is if we’re free to be as honest as possible. Once we start letting ‘real world’ people in we start censoring ourselves, or writing to the audience.

    Giving your family pseudonyms is a good way of maintaining your anonymity — which would be even more important than usual with your immigration status (move to Canada, we’re easier to join and the health care is covered).

    Another would be to make sure the email account attached to your blog doesn’t have your real name, another is to Google yourself to see if your blog comes up if people are looking for you.

    After a few months of anonymous blogging I started another blog so I could keep family and friends and non-bipolars involved in my life.

    Having a non-recovery blog is generally a good idea, so we don’t become totally immersed in the disease.

    • PAZ said

      Hi Gabriel!
      That’s so funny you say that when you “needed their clarifications” you asked them “over coffee” because that’s just what I do. “Hey mom, when I was four, did so-and-so do that and did that really happen? And was it like this or like that?” She’ll say yes, and I’ll write. heheh.

      You know I never thought of this as a recovery blog, especially not when I opened it, but it does have that tendency–being a therapeutic channel of pure expression. Like you said, I don’t feel like I have to worry about being corrected about the other side of the story or about how I should feel about this or that. Really that’s one thing that’s always gotten to me about my family, “Oh you should’d FEEL that way about that anymore”. Really?

      I do have a problem telling people about my mental problems, unfortunately. I think and hope that maybe with time and with the process of writing this blog, I can learn to be more open and let some of the guard down.

      Yeah, see I’ve made sure not to give away any identifying information about my family or friends. I don’t want their personal business to be out in the open, but then again, even if I do, there’s the risk and the principle that I did place their business out in the open. Ugh. I don’t know why I over-think things so much. And the good thing about keeping this anonymous, or semi-anonymous like I say, is as you mentioned, complete honesty. That complete honest is so beautiful and relieving. I’ve found it to be at least.

      Oh and as far as immigration. My family is all safe but me. So I’m only risking myself when I write about the immigration stuff–and I admit I get paranoid about I.C.E sometimes. Last year, my brother became a U.S. citizen and my parents became “LPIs”–that’s what they call Legal Permanent Residents. I was the only one who was not able to fall into the nice little group because I’m a single “adult child” and a single adult child is not priority. I’ve been living in the states for twenty years though. So yeah, it’s tough. Thank you for inviting me to Canada! 🙂 I’ve thought about it actually. There was this Canadian guy I was talking to for some time, but we’ve seemed to have drifted. I think he got tired of my crazies. I guess I’d just need a place to stay to settle first, then again I’m terrified of such a change. I start getting worry questions in my head. Where would I stay? How would I see my family? I don’t like the cold, would it put me at higher risk for depression? And so on…

      And I have thought about a non-mental blog. I’m very into film and photography and multimedia stuff, so I thought about opening up a blog where I’ll talk about just that. But we’ll see. I have to get some form of stability first. I had turned for the worst all of 2012 though I’m hoping to climb back up that hill. 😉

  5. rich said

    one thing to consider is reversing the situation. think of how you might feel if someone was writing things about you – even if those things are true – would you want them to be available to the public? and maybe you’re okay with that, it that’s your choice. if perhaps those other people should have the chance to make that choice. it might be unfair to expose things – even if they are the truth. i wish i had begun my blog either anonymously or using pseudonyms. by now, it seems too late.

    • PAZ said

      I’ve thought about that Rich and I’m not sure how I’d feel. I guess my first reaction might be surprise and depending on what they wrote–whether mostly good or bad–I’d feel either flattered or betrayed. hehe. I mean, despite my tendency to be highly reactive mentally/emotionally, I think I’m a pretty reasonable person, so if I find out that it’s done the person good and if they don’t disclose identifying information about me, then I’d probably be cool with it.

      I’ve wondered about this a lot, so I guess I wasn’t being entirely honest by saying that the grief post brought these feelings/thoughts to mind. It’s something I’ve sort of had in the back burner and it’s resurfaced now and I’m struggling with the idea.

      What’s funny is several people have suggest I write a memoir, at different times in my life. I’ve always brushed off the idea, though sometimes it seems appealing, then again I feel it’s self aggrandizing at times. I don’t know.

      Anyway, my point. There was this banquet my brother had to go to for his job and he started talking about me, about what a “smart sister” he has and so on. And when he got back (this was when he still lived with us), he told me one of his co-workers kept telling him to tell me that I should write a book about my life. I kind of wanted to laugh when he told me this because I thought, “This lady doesn’t even know me. How does she even know if I’m a good writer or not or if my life’s interesting enough?” I mean, I was flattered beyond belief, but I was so tickled… Then, the fact that my brother seemed so into, so excited about the idea made me think…

      And now that I have this blog, that memory came to mind. I mean, if he was cool with me writing about my life then, why not now right? Yeah, yeah, I know this is public. But wouldn’t a book be public once it’s published anyway? In April, I read Sylvia Plath’s “Bell Jar” which is more or less a somewhat fictionalized autobiographical account of her mental breakdown and subsequent suicide attempt. I’d read that the book was first published under a pseudo/pen name for various reasons. One reason is that she stated not wanting her family, particularly her mother to feel hurt or feel like she’d be put in the spotlight. That’s sort of how I feel. I want to write this but I want to maintain respect for their privacy.

      So would you suggest I ask for their consent? I like the idea but they’ll question why and I know I’ll feel like wanting to lie a little, “er um..” you know. Or they’ll want to have a look and that will ruin the freedom I currently have.

      Thanks for your response.

      • rich said

        here’s another option. you can tell them what you want to do and how important it is to you. and you can tell them that you would really love for them to help you by not only consenting but also assisting with how things are written that involve them. and if a few facts about them are slightly changed to make them happy with, maybe it really won’t matter for the project. all i can say is that each of us deserves privacy, and each of us should not have that privacy given up until we agree to it.

        • PAZ said

          Rich, I wanted to reply to you when I was in good enough humor to and seeing that I’m feeling exceptionally good and high right now, I figured I would.

          Ok, so thank you so much or your reply. This project has come to mean a lot to me as you say. And writing has always meant a lot to me.

          I agree with you about everyone deserving privacy. I myself am a very private person. I know, I know it doesn’t seem like it at all considering how much I let go here. But that’s the thing, the “anonymity” allows me to do that, to be so open. I get to dance around like the loon that I am only I’m wearing my little mouse mask so it’s all right. Get it?

          I do like your suggestion about having them consent to it, and that I am planning to do that (gotta give me a minute as it takes me three to five times as long as the average person sometimes).

          I think I’ll have a talk with my mom first since she’s the one I’m closest to about these things (funny enough considering our tumultuous past together). Another thing is, my family has very strange communicating patterns, AND I’m Colombian. I know you’re probably thinking, “What the hell does being Colombian have to do with it?” But, just trust me, our culture about these things is a bit different. I even think our copyright laws are a bit different although I wouldn’t know since I haven’t lived there since I was five.

          And I’m sure everyone feels that way about their family sometimes–like the lack of communication affects them–but from what I’ve gathered in my three and-a-half years of therapy is that one reason why I’m so shut out is because I learned it and because I was “abused” as my first therapist said. Basically, my family had/has terrible coping and communication skills, which would make this offer REALLY hard. I see them consenting but I don’t see them actively participating. They never even actively participated in any schoolwork I did, so no, I just don’t see that happening. And I wouldn’t want them to anyway. I want this to be my reflection of what happened. Another thing is, half of my posts are impulsive, on the spot. And having them “participate” would ruin that I think. I only plan about half of my posts. Of course, I don’t the views expressed to be COMPLETELY SKEWED. And I have often, as Gabriel mentioned above, sat my mother down over coffee and asked her questions to confirm a detail about a story, even when writing this blog.

          I am terribly anxious just telling them about the blog. As some have mentioned, it would ruin the honest factor I have going. I mean, I did tell them I write a blog, and my dad seemed thrilled but I kind of half lied by saying it was only a poetry blog. I just need time. I feel like I have to be in the right mindset to propose anything and right now I’m barely trying to stay away from having myself committed at that horrible state hospital.

          Then things get even more complicated. I don’t think “consent and involvement” are practical for everyone. I mean, I can get consent from my family and a few close friends (I don’t even feel I have any sometimes these days). But what about those who were my friends and who I no longer speak to? What about Monkey Man L? He’s dead and although I still talk to him, I can’t expect to get a consent from a diseased person. And what of his family? Should I just omit it altogether? I have to practice some level of “fuck it all, I’ma right” and balance it with self censorship and discretion. Don’t you think?

          Anyway, I’ve been reading a lot of what other memoirist have said on the subject and one stood out in particular. (I guess I was looking for comfort for talking shit about my lovely family, hell, I haven’t EVEN BEGUN to talk shit). Writer Heller Sellers said that, “You will hurt people you love. If you write, you will hurt people,” and that from her experience hurting family and friends regardless of telling them is a part you’ll have to go through when writing a memoir, and I thought, hey, to some extent my blog is a memoir.

          I think the thing about the internet is it brings up so many ethical issues—I mean the Supreme Court has had to see so many cases and it’s a shame we have to have so many restrictions and ugh… whatever happened to SOPA? Right, I was a communications student, so am fascinated the ethical implications of media. When I read your comment, I was reminded about what we discussed as “unauthorized parody, comedy and criticism” where the First Amendment applies more leniently that it would otherwise.

          Thanks again Rich and sorry if this seemed a bit jumbled. Your thoughts and suggestions are appreciated.

        • PAZ said

          p.s. Remember that neighborhood nut has a right to privacy too, even if he is a “homicidal maniac”. So make sure you write up a consent for for your next post about him. Just sayin’ 😉

    • PAZ said

      p.s. This is nicer than a book. I don’t have to deal with publishers and their censorship. Besides, I get to interact with an audience. 😉 I figure I’ll make good use of the “privacy” settings and use protected posts. Problem is I change my mind.

      UGh… That p.s. didn’t help… the self-doubt is still there.

  6. the howler and me said

    My last blog got over-run with criticizing family members – who took everything I said and turned it into something horrible… (but then it was linked with my facebook page)

    Hence the reason I came here to wordpress and stopped posting links to my blog on facebook. YES, I still fear (slightly) that they will find me, and know who it is right away… but part of me just doesn’t give a shit any more. My feelings and experiences are valid. I don’t see eye to eye with anyone in my family (for the most part). I don’t agree with their values and beliefs… NOR do I have to keep quiet about it.

    Personally, I feel that if they take offense to something I have written, if they feel I have portrayed them in an unfavorable light – then perhaps they need to re-evaluate their beliefs and views on things.

    I do self-censor though. Somethings only go in my hard copy journal…Just in case the thought police are listening….

    • PAZ said

      THAM, I’m so so so glad you commented on this one because you also write a lot about your experiences with family members. I was hoping you’d write a comment. Yeah, I have no links to my blog anywhere that I can think of. In fact, when I first started the blog, I’d shared it with twoo friends–one who’s a friend of a friend and I only know on Facebook and another I went to college with and she had encouraged me to write a blog after a joke I’d made in regard’s to my dogs and Allie Brosh’s blog Hyperbole and a Half. She’d said to me, “man, if you write a blog, I’d so read it!” She kind of fluffed my feathers there and made me think I was funny and entertaining enough, so when I opened the WordPress account, I sent her the link through a private message, BUT, not soon after, I changed my URL to what it is now–melancholicallymanic–instead of the other one I had. So if she goes there, or if the other guy goes there to the old blog, they’ll only find an error message. Still, I worry they’ll look for it. heheh.

      Meh. I sensor myself too. I mean, as far as what I’m going through, I try to be as open and honest about it as possible because if I can’t be freely and completely open elsewhere, then at least I can here. BUT, I do sensor myself too, when it comes to details and certain things about my family. There are certain things that have happened, for example, that I will not share, not even here. Also, I use this space as my nagging/complaining grounds, so I do say a lot of bad things about my family, but shit, my family talks about each other behind their backs all the time. ha. “Oh your brother is such a tragadero de plata, oh and your brother is manipulative and oh this…” The only difference is this is public, I realize that, which is why I try to keep it even keel. I try to step back and get some perspective on it all. I try to share the bad and the good. I try to make readers know that this is only how I see it, not how it really is. And sometimes, that’s where I get the best self revelations. Does that make sense?

      Oh and I had told my parents I had a poetry blog that reflected a lot about my life. This was back in April during the NaPoWriMo challenge. My dad was all excited asking if people liked the poems. He told me to make sure to print them and this other stuff. hehe. I guess I was being somewhat honest? Not entirely though… They never asked to see it though, but sometimes my dad will come in and eye my computer. He’s the nosey one.

  7. I use to worry like that but my guards came down and most of my family knows about my blog.
    I guess I still keep somewhat closed off as I don’t use my real name… but anyone who knows me would certainly recognize me by my gravatar.

    • PAZ said

      Muse! Thank you for your reply. You’re one of the people I hoped to hear from. hehe. So, I actually do have a few pictures of mine up on the blog (in my Shenanigans page) and in my Gravatar profile, so that’s why I say I’m semi-anonymous. Although they don’t fully reveal me, you can still tell it’s me if you’ve seen me before. I mean, like you, if someone knows me in “real life”, they’ll know once they take a look around the page. I mean my brother drew my main profile picture! I doubt he’d forget that he drew that. hehe.

      I’m glad I can share things here that I can’t elsewhere. 🙂 And the fact that you guys are so supportive. I just still fear that they’ll read some of the bad stuff I have to say about them–some of which I’ve told to their face, some of which I haven’t told to their face–and feel hurt. But I guess I’ll have to outweighs the pros and cons. I think if I do, there are more pros.

  8. I would blog away. I will not write any of my traumatic experiences from childhood for the public (I have them but they’re in another password protected blog), but, particularly where you aren’t naming anyone, I wouldn’t worry about it! Do your thing, you’re great at it and you reach alot of us!

    • PAZ said

      Dotty suggested that I make a password protected blog for that. I just may do that. 🙂

      But then again, I could just password protect the more serious posts here. I don’t know. I’m soooooo indecisive. 😦

      I’ll be thinking about it some more.

      And yeah, I haven’t been naming anyone. I haven’t even named things like the university I went to or names of places, etc, except in the “Update on Voluntary Hospitalization?” post. I named the hospital. But that was protected until recently. I think I’m going to re-lock it. lol

      Awww. I’m so moved that you say I reach you guys. You don’t know how much this blog has done for me in terms of being inspired and feeling touched.

      xoxoxxx

    • PAZ said

      Oh yeah, and I don’t share info about my blog on my personal pages like Facebook or anything like that. 😉

  9. Lyxia said

    i had about 7-8 blogs and one about bipolar. I could not keep up with it and the more I wrote the more I felt that my life was spilled out. Paranoia set in very fast and I would delete things or select or cut or whatever. Then I did not see the point in it anymore and started writing on paper. No blog can cover ones life.
    For family and friends, well family was never told I had a blog, not even the dearest to me. It was more a friend thing.

  10. DeeDee said

    Hmmm… I find maintaining an appropriate level of anonymity challenging at times. It means that I can’t talk about my work beyond broad generalizations and I use pseudonyms for people.

    My husband knows about my blog and so do a couple IRL friends, but they are people I trust to keep things in confidence. I don’t worry about saying hurtful things about them because I have nothing hurtful to say about them. I’m very lucky in that the people in my life are good to me and I have largely avoided jackasses.

    I usually take my time crafting posts so that I don’t say anything that makes me feel over-exposed. That’s a bit of a struggle in terms of planning and making sure I’m not making impulsive posts, but I have a standard of quality for writing that basically requires me to do some editing passes, and that helps a lot.

    • PAZ said

      Chickadee, it is very challenging I find I can only disclose so much about certain things, like for you it’s the work and for me it’s the activist organizations I was involved in.

      I don’t think I’m afraid of “bad” things I’d say about my friends, with the exception of my BPD friend, but even then it’s not really bad, it’s just more peeves and small critiques, most of which I’ve already told to her face anyway. I’m more afraid of just writing about their live in general. Take for instance, my friend Eloise. I’m not sure if you’ve been following me long enough to know, but I was in Florida all of January (and that’s when my depression kicked in hardcore) and anyway, I mentioned her boyfriend but I had to sensor myself from saying how much I don’t like the way he treats her. I’ve told this to her face as well, “honey, he treats you like shit,” I said to her. I just feel there’s a lot I want to share–stories, funny and sad–but the people involved will have to be shared with the stories.

      Another thing that concerns me is sharing some of the abusive situations in my family, some of those bad stories from my past, particularly with my mother. Now, of course, I have my discretion. There are things I WILL NEVER share on here, not even if I had absolute certainty no one would find out. Some things are sacred. Then there’s L. I can write about him all I want, but shouldn’t you not talk bad about the dead? 😛 Oh god… we had such a crazy relationship, I just can’ see how I could write about it without mentioning some of the bad.

      As far a planning posts. Geez. I only plan about half of them and the other half are impulsive posts–remember BPD and impulsiveness. 😉

      I do edit a lot though, but mostly after I’ve already published. Oops.

  11. […] Oh yeah, the thank you. I wanted to thank everyone that replied and gave their insight in the post “A Disclaimer and a Serious Question for My Fellow Beeper (BP), Borderline (BPD) and Other Men…. […]

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