Woke Up to the Thought of Progress…

May 28, 2012

…and thought, “What’s the point?”

Yeah, I’m in a shitty mood. Very shitty. This fuckin’ relapse period needs to end soon. I’m sick of it, been sick of it, been done being sick of it. I’m trying to hold on but the thread feels so thin. And I’m not a spider.

So I wrote a poem.

Progress came to mind in a large scale but also in a small scale–inner and outer, yours and mine. And I think, “fuck it!”

I thought about how much I used to be involved in activist organizations and how even though that helped, I would eventually crash. And I’ve realized how I long for the involvement but how crippled I feel and how trapped in myself I’ve been after everything that’s hit me this year (guys this mental crippling is far worse than the bone condition that has me using a wheelchair).

I don’t care to know what’s going on in the world when I’m depressed (am I depressed?), much of it is because the world can be so depressing and I don’t want to set off my piss-o-meter. But know it’s a perspective. What I know and what I feel and think to know can be so, uhhh, dissociated? Everything seems so foreign, unreal. I’ve been living in a dream again.

I feel like crying but my well is dry.

The more hopeless you feel, the less you think you can do something to change anything. False beliefs. What is reality but what’s in you? As Anais Nin said, “the world is not how it is but how we see it” or something like that. I have the full quote in my Shenanigans page.

It’s a cycle for me, a circle–to jump into the spotlight with others, to embrace this world, to help others, then run away and hide in myself, my womb, not allowing myself to be helped. I am in my own utero, a baby, only allowing myself to be nourished there. Problem is, I don’t have enough to nourish myself. I need more nourishment. I need the nourishment of this Earth, of others. And what of others? You don’t want others. That’s what the Pretty Little Demons (PLDs) say.

Once again, months ago, I become hallow into myself. I’m hollower still.

A need for self-destruction… A ridiculous mind game those PLD’s play.

I must be a cocoon ready to kill the worm inside of that which I am, rebirth the self, re-invent, recreate, reopen.

I’m tightly sealed. There is no drawbridge, only walls. Am I in a cocoon?

I hope so, better than a bricked dungeon, better than steel chains.

I can only hope.

Then, as usual these days, I had the breathtaking, heart-curdling anxiety and the stomach churns when I got out of bed. My chest hurts and I feel like vomiting.

I ate breakfast and still feel like vomiting. Every morning it’s been like this.


Off I go to make some more calls in search for a therapist. At this very moment, THAT is progress.


Here’s another woman, like Anais Nin, another woman I admire: Camila Vallejo.

addendum: Today is Memorial Day. Realized that after the third call was picked up by an answering machine. Ooops. Silly mouse. In that case, I’ll dedicate my last poem to those who’s lost their lives, been wounded (physically and mentally) and who’ve survived senseless battles.

And as far as finding a therapist, well shit, I’ll have to try tomorrow dammit!

14 Responses to “Woke Up to the Thought of Progress…”

  1. I have no helpful words left in my brain today, I’m still feeling the empty, like there is a kind of static hum in here.
    But I can understand how you feel. I wish I could elaborate more but I can’t. It’ll be over soon, it won’t last forever.
    Hugs MFF xox

  2. Hansi said

    Wow…sounds like things can only get better. Hopefully they will. hang in there.

  3. Likewise, have a virtual hug. Things will look up, after a while. xx

  4. Spider42 said

    In the words of Robin Williams imitating the French (in general), “Look I am geeving a cigarette to a baby! Life is sheet my darleeng! Get to know zis!”

    And honestly, life is pretty crap – but not always and not 24/7. Something I had to tell myself for a long time and eventually I realised to be true. It’s literally like the infinite of space : blackness unending, but it has these beautiful stars and nebulas and all this amazing stuff here and there and they are all the more amazing because of there rarity amidst the black…

    All such times when things feel at their worst I suppose there is nothing to be said beyond some little advice and many platitudes (which people love to give), but cliche doesn’t help you and all one can do is say a little and hopefully you will remember that things can be better somehow. Don’t ask me how, it’s a mystery!

    Oh and additional note: something you said reminded me of this comic strip by Dave Berg where a girl is telling her friend how frustrated she is and how badly she wants to do her own thing all by herself. He asks her what the problem is and why she can’t just go ahead and do “her
    very own thing” as she says?
    Her answer: I can’t find someone to do it with.

    We all need other people – even if we can’t stand them. So keep your head up and keep a weather eye on the horizons for people that are your type of people and see where that road then leads…

    Feel better. Cheers.

  5. lyxia said

    you will get better, give it a chance. I am in a paranoid war fight against larvae and cocoons (yeah insect phobia…still) but dont worry, if I find your cocoon, Ill pick you up and set you outside in the wilderness.

    • PAZ said

      I will. 🙂 Ooooh, me and my little cocoon out in the Alaska wilderness. Make sure you throw a blanket too.

      • Lyxia said

        right now its daylight from 4am to 12 at night. you would need a little blanket and a place high to avoid being eaten by coyotes or bears. Perhaps Ill hang you from an ice crystal in the sky and you can see the moon eclipse next week and the sun that nearly never sets. From your altitude, hanging on the icycle, you can see the bears and cubs roaming in the thick forests, the ravens glidiing in the sky and the sun big and bright to keep you warm and happy.

Spit it!

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