From “Rethink BPD: A Patient’s View”

May 29, 2012

I just had to post this because this young woman said what I’ve been wanting to say to my family, this in particular:

“To my family, to my friends, to you, to those I cherish, those who were there when I could not love myself, I thank you for loving me anyway. Your love kept me alive when I couldn’t survive on my own. But your love wasn’t enough. I thought love would heal me, I thought faith would restore me. I thought hope would find me, and maybe it did. Maybe it kept me alive. But fifteen years worth of internal contortions, intense pain and battles that raged on in the privacy of my own head were no match for the virtues I tried so desperately to cultivate…And you ask yourself over and over again, when love seems to fail, where is the answer?” ~Amanda Wang is the lead organizer of RethinkBPD, a peer-led advocacy and support group for Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

Addendum:

This Rethink BPD Series video also reminds me of how I’d ironically said I thought L had BPD even before I’d found out about my diagnosis. This video in particular moved me. As Elaine point out, it IS strange to say that “Love isn’t enough” because our intuition tells us otherwise. And then I have to wonder, why? I think maybe it isn’t that love isn’t good enough, it’s just that the love we think we give isn’t enough for the nature of the beast. Yes, “all you need is love” as the Beatles song goes. I love that song and I hold the words as truth.

But why would a borderline say, “your love wasn’t enough?”

Allow me to attempt toexplain. Love is an undefinable thing first of all: I can love a lover, I can love myself and I can love life and I can love to love. And well, shit if she couldn’t love herself as we–all of us, but in particular borderlines often do at the depths of depression–can’t “love ourselves” then all other forms of love are out of the question.

Our various expressions of love are different. For my dad, it is to say, “I love you, to cook dinner for me, to give me a big hug and a kiss and to say I love you again,” why isn’t that enough? Well, the nature of my beast denies it. That’s not the same as being ungrateful. No, it’s far more twisted than that. Then there’s the need for validation again–of pain, the need for understanding. That’s the love I have not gotten in many instances.

So when this young woman says, “your love wasn’t enough” she’s not saying that the fact that they loved her wasn’t enough. She’s sayin (and I’m only interpreting here from my own experience) that the nature of the beast wasn’t being cared for in that expression of love. It’s not so much the love, but the expressions people make of that love and the “borderline’s” interpretation of that love.  It’s expression of love in simple kisses and hugs for me was SEEMINGLY not enough. It’s the expressed contradiction of that love in little things with all the small passive aggressive words for example. It’s the love and the trauma. It’s all the black and white! And I say seemingly because I think to an extent it is only what it seems and it isn’t anything at all unless you recognize it, unless you bring it out of nothing. It’s like the elephant in the room.

This statement she made was obviously an oxymoron and a paradox because although, their support (an expression of love) or vise versa her love for them and not wanting to hurt them deterred her from suicide, it was still not enough. Not enough for what? For recovery? Define recovery. And what is this “not enough” if she’s still here like I am still here? She’s survived thus far!

UGggh. I’m running in circles with this. It’d be so much easier if I were just a puppy running in circles and chasing my tail instead of running in circles with this.

********

I went swimming today again, but more on that later. I think it’s just about time for another one of my Good Lists.

********

May is Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Month.

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11 Responses to “From “Rethink BPD: A Patient’s View””

  1. strange to say that love is not enough.

    however, it’s still good to know that people care, and people who have visitors in mental hospital are much more likely to recover and to recover quicker than those without.

    • PAZ said

      it is strange to say. i thoufgt so too

    • PAZ said

      Thanks for your comment Elaine because now I want to elaborate on that. I had mixed feeling about this video before sharing it… I haven’t had very good mental health treatment beside the Young Therapist, and have never been in hospital despite the fact that i probably needed to go two weeks ago… I think people can “recover” in other settings too. The important thing is CONTINUOUS and constant care, in my opinion.

      • continuity of care is so important. frankly, i blame my suicide attempt on the lack of it, both during the last year i was in my old flat and over the time of changing doctors and so on at the new one. zero continuity with the move and very poor care before it.

        • PAZ said

          Yeah. Continual care is something I realized I’m just going to need. I may not always want it, but I’ll need it. And there’s no more of that trying to be that brave person and keeping it all in. I need to learn to ask for help BEFORE shit hits the fan like it did two weeks ago, you know the day after I took those pills… blegh. Asking for help, that’s the hardest part for me. Now having a therapist right now isn’t easier after having gotten that life line and then having it pulled out from me.
          HUGS

          • it seems that the medical profession still hasn’t quite realized how important continuity is, but if at least WE realize it we can do something to prioritize it ourselves.

            asking for help is kind of counterintuitive when you are in that state of mind, though. people talk about a ‘cry for help’ as if it is ‘just’ not a real suicide attempt… wake up! it’s a cry for HELP!!! and if we could have said it in words we would have done. in fact, i know i did ask for help but just wasn’t heard.

  2. It makes sense. It probably only makes sense to people with a borderline brain though 🙂
    There are a lot of human emotions I don’t understand. I think love is one of them. Something I keep meaning to explore, but I don’t understand it. Maybe because it’s not black and white and I want it to be?
    xoxoxoxo

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