Borderline Girl Song Week Four: Ratatat “Drugs”

June 5, 2012


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Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and substance use disorders (SUDS aka drug abuse and addiction) have high co-occurrences.

Like many of those diagnosed with BPD, I’ve had an issue with drugs, both illicit and prescribed. The first drug I got hooked on was alcohol when I was fifteen. Later on, there were others. I’ve never been addicted hardcore. I’ve always had a level of restraint despite my low impulse control, but mostly, I’ve just always had a lack of access. So I was always able to maintain a strong will with an air of sobriety and a high functioning persona, but the looming pitfalls awaited throughout the years.

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So drugs.

Isn’t this nation (U.S. of A) over-medicated? I think so. I’m currently rethinking and outweighing the pros and cons of going inpatient because of this urge to take the rest of the painkillers I have left and that just mean I’m afraid I’ll OD again. I think I’ll have to call New Male Therapist because I still haven’t heard back from that DBT group I was supposed to get screened to get into and the other three waiting lists I’m on. I’m hanging on though, barely, but I am. I’m really tired of the nonstop crying bouts, these random highs and lows, this susceptibility to triggers everywhere. It’s exhausting. I feel like fainting every morning. Ha. I just got a picture of a damsel in distress fainting and then a flutter of birds swooping in from the window to pick me up like a Disney-style Cinderella in her opening shower scene.

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Well, this “borderline girl” P feels a tad over-medicated sometimes. I feel like the drugs given to me by my psychiatrist are gonna kill me, sometimes, like now, I hope they do. Other times, like yesterday, I worry they will. I worry I won’t make it to thirty.

And why do they call illicit drugs “controlled substances” when prescribed drugs are substances just as, or more “controlled”?

And aren’t we just mere chemicals bouncing around? You know, quantum physics and shit.

We are the essence of substances which contain energy, more or less. That’s why I love to bounce to this beat, because it’s so energetic, maybe. It’s called none other than “Drugs” by the wonderful Ratatat.

Yeah, I have nothing else of interest to write since my “Good List” went to shit after I’d only written half of it and then I got another one of my mini breakdowns this weekend and on Monday, so I figured I’d just throw in another “Bordeline Girl Song of the Week” for filler… until I get my head on straight.

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By the way, our human bodies… I’m probably saying “human bodies” because I started watching Battlestar Galactica for the first time on Sunday to cope. Guys, I know, I have to get nerd/geek points for this or something–anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, human bodies. Our bodies produce a tad bit of DMT, one of THE MOST powerful psychotropic chemical compounds in the history of our existence. It is a naturally occurring substance that is also seen in plants like ayahuasca which is found in places like the Amazons.

The Amazonian shamans use ayahuasca it to get “into the spiritual” realm. You know, religious rituals and such. Well, I’m from Colombia, and I sometimes wonder if I ever get my legal/immigration and financial situation fixed, I’ll travel to my birthplace and after visiting family I’ve never met, I’ll go down to the Amazons and ask those shamans for a little hit of ayahuasca and give god/universe a high five, a kiss or a cursing scream (depends on my mood guys).

Then, I’ll say, “Drugs no more”.  Except love, ’cause love is also a drug.

Oh, and now I know what this song reminds me of. Ahhh, yes, it reminds me of Jaques Cousteau Escargot. (It’s French spelling guys  because he had a French name though he was adopted, so that’s what we’ll call him for now.)

Anyway, he’s the boy that broke my heart back in late 2007 (I was drinking and druggin’ every night by then). He’s the boy that triggered my Monumental Mental Meltdown in 2008. And that meltdown was what led me to see my first psychiatrist ever.

Thank you Jaques Cousteau Escargot! Thank you alcohol! Thanks to you two and my “borderline”self- destructive ways and my depressive susceptibility, I am now in a merry-go-round with the mental health system. You’ve led me to a revelation, though I happen to think I’m no better seeing it–not at the moment at least.

Drugs. Love em. Hate em. Nuf’ said.

addendum: Dear Dotty says Venus is going to fly over the Sun today! TRANSIT OF VENUS GUYS! I have not seen the news due to my current Battlestar Galactica addiction on my brother’s Netflix account and the fact that I don’t have antenae for HD conversion, so I don’t know what time it’ll be in your part of the world, but it seems like trippy stuff and you don’t have to take any drugs for the trip. Just look up at the sky (wear protective eye gear and punch a hole in a paper if you don’t have any special equipment).

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16 Responses to “Borderline Girl Song Week Four: Ratatat “Drugs””

  1. the howler and me said

    major geek points for watching Battle star 🙂

    • PAZ said

      hahah. I know THAM. Super geek points for that. I knew I’d hit a new low the moment I got hooked on it during the second episode. This may have been rock bottom. heheh. I swear. The show is not absolutely amazing or even A quality in my opinion, more like A- or B+. It’s not mind-bending like I expected it to be, but it is engaging enough for my geeky side and it has helped me stay away from some harmful thoughts. I do need to slow my roll with it though. I’m already like more than halfway done with season one!

      • the howler and me said

        I used to watch it religiously when it was airing – and then I lost interest in television… I *just* watched the last season not that long ago….

        It gets a little tiresome in the middle… but the end is fucking awesome.

        • PAZ said

          Shit, it’s already gotten a bit tiresome for me and I’m just rounding up the first season. I’ll have to watch the end though! haha. You surprised me THAM, you geeky girl! So, it’s obvious they’ll get to Earth, but not how and hwen and what Earth will be like by the time they get there. What I wanna know is, do they eventually start showing some life on civilian ships or is it ALL going to be in the Battlestar?

          I don’t watch T.V. either, beside the occasional Netflix film and series fixation (now it’s Battlestar) on my bro’s account.

          We’ll have to discuss this further!

          • the howler and me said

            oh, I am a sci-fi geek. Every since my dad introduced us to Star Wars waaaay back in the day.

            I am not giving any of it away – sorry. Watch and see. Who is your favorite character so far?

          • PAZ said

            Ok, so I’ve broken through season two already. I’m on episode eight. I’m watching two episodes a day. lol. Well, one and-a-half some days and still no civilian life besides that Cloud 9 and the massacre incident.

            My favorite character? That’s a hard question THAM. See, when I saw Lost, I could easily tell you. But not with this one. Every character has something I really don’t like about them, yet they’ll almost all likeable. That’s a good thing since they’re not all one dimensional.

            I think I’m gonna go with the Doc, Gaius Baltar. He’s the most charismatic one in my eyes. He’s so self-centered, so selfish yet so sensitive and has a quality about him that makes you think he just may do good things for others but then again, he may not. He’s got that sexy God-fearing, prophecy spitting cylon chick in his head.

            I’ll get back to you on some more of this after I have lunch…

          • the howler and me said

            Yeah, each one of the characters is flawed, but that is what makes it so wonderful to watch.

            Personally, my favorite character is Starbuck. I cannot help it, I have a *thing* for strong women. Love her or hate her, she is one tough cookie.

          • PAZ said

            I was gonna get to Starbuck. My second favorite. I have a thing for strong women too!

          • the howler and me said

            🙂

          • PAZ said

            As I mentioned in my Avengers review what makes a film strong is character development. I thought Battlestar was lacking it at first but now that I’ve gotten to seaon 2, it’s developing alright. It’s a good thing. I think I’m liking season 2 better.

        • PAZ said

          Ugh. I woke up having a panic attack but once I got calm enough to get on here and read, your comments actually helped. 🙂 hehehe

          • the howler and me said

            Ugh! I just LOVE those days.
            Glad I could help in some way shape or fashion 🙂

  2. lyxia said

    I was a major fan of Jacques Cousteau as a kid and later…. la mer et la mer et la mer et la mort…. 🙂 yeah i agree on the over-medication. they want you to take pills for EVERYTHING that is off. and then, when you realize you dont need them really, you cant get off them. ugh

  3. I was on the verge of getting myself admitted last night I felt that bad, but then today I feel OK. It’s stupid how it varies like that, but I can understand what you are going through, it is tiring!!
    Hang in there though. I somehow managed to hang in there with the help of the WordPress Psychiatric unit 🙂
    I hear what you say about over medicating. I feel a bit hypocritical as a nurse dishing out drugs all the time for various illnesses, but I hate medicating myself because it seems “unnatural”.
    Love you P, hang in there!!! xoxoxoxoxoxox

    • PAZ said

      Thank you Sailor! You don’t know how much that means to me. It does feel ridiculous, how often it switches up. I feel on the verge everyday, just about, then I’m alright for a few hours.

      One of the reasons I haven’t gone inpatient is because those state hospitals are so scary. I got a second opinion from Jill and she gave me a breakdown. Anyway, I did go on Friday after an appointment I had, though I didn’t stay or get admitted, but I hope to tell you more on that later.

      I’m hanging in. You hang in too!

      Love you too!! xoxoxxx

    • PAZ said

      Oh yeah and “unnatural”. The drugs feel unnatural. That’s the word!

      Love y besos xoxoxxx

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