Lost Ant

June 21, 2012

Lost Ant (c) 2012 paz

Click the photo to enlarge and read the poem, unless you have amazing, super-zoom eyesight.

*********

I wrote a quick and silly small-stone poem today.

The photos are from several weeks ago when our spring “bug invasion” was ending. It hasn’t completely ended, neither has this card-making. My dad’s having me do two alternate versions (according to his taste). I’ll appease him.

****

An astonishing thing happened today, he said, “You and your mother have changed so much. You are a different person!” He meant it in a good way. But then he added, “It’s a good thing God gave me patience [insert: to deal with you]… It’s a good thing I haven’t had to change much.”

What’s that supposed to mean? My dad is funny, and I mean this in… I don’t know how I mean it.

“We can all improve and change,” I said.

I know I’ve been a difficult person most of my life. But was I that terrible before? And how am I now? It’s funny, even when I get complimented by him, I don’t feel validated. I feel so small, so easily confused –lost and desolate like the ant. I can’t show him how much I’m hurting, how much I feel like I’m about to drown.

I’m left baffled.

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13 Responses to “Lost Ant”

  1. Kyle said

    i totally adore this – you are quite magnificent – this is brilliant and clever and daft and silly and poignant – thanks, i guess

    • PAZ said

      Thank you!

      … and, you’re welcome?

      I was gonna spell that last word differently. Just read Boiling Point again as it’s getting late here.

  2. Sounds a bit like you take after your dad personality-wise. He’s witty like yourself.

    • PAZ said

      Totsymae! I’m glad this isn’t Beatrice. shhhh. heheh.

      I do take after my dad in the fact that I love to read and I’m nerdy like that–self educated, always learning and studying. And my dad is very sarcastic and quite witty. (Thank you for saying I’m witty.) But he’s also very passive aggressive and I know him well enough to know that that comment was more of a passive aggressive gesture than a funnny/sarcastic/witty joke, especially because of the context it was said in and the fact that his tone was serious, not joking at all.

      Family dynamics are a funny thing aren’t they? I think I take more after my mom. I always said, “I’m not gonna be like my mother,” but I’ve come to accept I’m a thread from the same dress.

      Love

  3. I love Mr Ant, he is so cute, I love that you can see his eyes.
    I’d probably take that as a negative criticism if it was said to me, but then again, aren’t we the type of people to always assume the worst? It’s like you said, he meant it in a good way, it just made you feel criticised, but that’s not how he meant it. Perhaps you’re reading into it too much.
    But I think people always change, constantly, we absorb what is going on around us and it changes our behaviour. I’m sure this is especially true of the borderline. I don’t think it’s a bad thing, it’s just evolution from circumstance, but we seems to evolve in the wrong direction sometimes…….
    xoxoxox

    • PAZ said

      I know! YOU COULD SEE THE EYES! The beady little eyes. I’m glad you noted that. 🙂 I think I’m most proud of the eyes and the fact that you could see the dents on the little ant’s bottom. The ant was one of the super tiny ones, speckle-sized!

      Anyway, as far as my dad. I should be grateful I have such a caring dad but what most people don’t know is how critical he can be. He criticizes almost everything you do and yet can’t stand getting criticism. It’s funny because now that I’ve been looking (maybe too much) into the “borderline” thing I realize how “invalidating” he often was. But he’s also always been there for me in many ways. It’s two-fold I guess.

      So the comment was made after I mentioned going into therapy Monday. That makes me pretty sure that he was referring to changes I’ve made in things like my aggressive/angry/difficult-to-deal-with ways which is why the comment was so confusing. It was what he SAID and the WAY he said it after that which made it like, ok you’re complimenting me but then you ruin the compliment by what you said afterward. That bit about him not having to change much was basically–in my interpretation–“I didn’t have to go into therapy and I’m not violent like you”.

      I know it’s all in my interpretation and that may not be how he meant it. But I know my dad well enough to know that I’m right in at least SOME of the mixed messages he was throwing. He’s always like that. He’ll compliment you on something you did well and then throw in self-gratification and criticism.

      I’m also very sensitive. ha.

      But like you said and like I told him, we all have things to change. We all evolve, even those that only evolve a little, sadly.

      Love y besos xoxoxxx

      • I think my favourite part is the eyes, because you can’t normal see ant eyes, but you can here 🙂
        My Dad is the same, but if you criticise him, he gives you the silent treatment. I know he loves me, but the criticisms and put downs really dent my already cratered self confidence.
        Ah nevermind……… I don’t think our Dads will change much now, they are probably a bit set in their ways. And I guess you are double right……. They have to be angels anyway to put up with mental kids like us!!
        Love y besos P xoxoxoxox

  4. I love the image/poem. Don’t drown, pumpkin, don’t drown. love, j

    • PAZ said

      Thanks love. I’m feeling that way right now, but I know the feeling will pass. I’m working with my dad and he’s just being a bit of an ass.

    • PAZ said

      Oh right, so I gott write ya back. I’m so confused with all the emails we’ve communicated with. haha. I’ll email ya.

  5. lyxia said

    awwww bug invasions…. figuring the ones moving and the ones pretenting to be dead and the ones in your head. We have hhumongous ants here (because of the lots of light) and they end up in my bed!!!
    Bug invasion = bug art

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