Uh Oh! P Just Opened Up A Can of Impulsivity and Angel Just Opened Up A Can…

July 5, 2012

…of old-school Latin pop music from P’s palette. First it was my guilty pleasure, Gloria Trevi (see previous post), and now I bring to you a pop, power-ballad by Amanda Miguel who sings like a howling cat (if cats could howl).

“El Me Mintio/He Lied to Me”. This, along with Trevi’s “Dr. Psiquiatra” will be my unofficial “Borderline Girl Song(s)” for the week. hahah! Don’t you just love that 80s big hair!?

********

So, I don’t know what I’m doing. I’ve been texting back and forth with this fella that’s in his late thirties to early forties–probably forty-two at most. I met him a few years back through my BPD-Friend-I-Keep-At-A-Close-Distance. I’m going to call her Ryden since we both love the pop surrealist painter Mark Ryden.

Anway, I met him because of her and he became a mutual friend. He is clearly into me but I always ignored and doubted the fact, especially since he was married. He divorced his wife not long ago though. And about two, maybe three weeks ago the texts started rolling in. They eventually became sexual. He’s a nice fella, I think. I’m always doubting people though. He’s a drummer too. He’s shy and I kind of like that. I also like that he speaks Spanish like I do. I guess what I mean is I like that we’re both immigrants, only he came here way before I did. He has a good taste in music, but that means nothing really. There are a lot of things I like about him, I suppose.

Then I start to think I got ahead of myself. You’re being impulsive P! Getting with this dude may open a can of worms!

I mean, I don’t think I would normally go for him, though I’m not sure. He knew how to get to me–through humor. He turned me on by being funny about it! Dammit, I can’t help that I like clowns (not the scary ones). There’s just one thing: He’s a heavy drinker. I definitely don’t like that.

****

I know I’m vulnerable right now. I also know that I don’t ever want to be involved with an alcoholic again, even if it’s just a non-committed thing. (God, I hate saying that.) He’s heavy too, overweight. I don’t mind much about a fella’s weight or how a fella looks, but it does count for something–mainly lifestyle–and besides, I do have my limits or standards I suppose… and it’s best the guy not be heavy because I’m… I’m… I’m tiny! It’s just seems a bit weird when…you know…but then again, I’m weird. And… I mean, it’s not like I’m planning to date this person. I’m not.

But…

The texting has gotten more consistent and intense. I’m waking up to texts like “morning gorgeous” or “morning love” or “how are you love?” or “q haces amor? como estas?” and I kinda like it but I hate that I like it. I prefer older men anyway, but I don’t care to be doted on or do I? Not now. No. No. I’m afraid I’ll grow tired of the attention or I’ll get fearful of attachment and run–or roll since I can’t run.

I’d rather be the asshole in any relationship-type situation because I often think I’m no good. Wait, why am I even starting to call this a relationship-type situation?

I just don’t know what I’m doing.

********

Yesterday, I met my brother’s girlfriend’s family. We watched fireworks for Fourth Of July. I couldn’t help but to think of Monkey Man L and that year we watched fireworks with A.F. in Victoria. It hit me hard when I got dropped off back at home. He’s really no longer here is he?

********

And I haven’t seen the nerdy mechanical engineer, aka bearded boy at the gym since that Saturday. I haven’t begun therapy either after lasts weeks ordeal with the MetroLift. This week it was my fault though, I thought she’d said Wednesday at 2:30 then I realized Wednesday was a holiday. I slept most of the day today avoiding everything, so I didn’t call the office to see what the date really was or check up on the mix-up. Yesterday,  my dad was taking me to my appointment (which I realized I didn’t have anyway) and started nagging when I said I’d left the phone. We had just pulled out of the driveway when I said that and he went on about how, “You should plan things!” and “You SHOULD be organized!”

I’d planned yesterday’s events since last week! I tried, but it didn’t work out and I didn’t triple check. Sorry. At the risk of sounding like an ungrateful child–I tried but it got to me–I just told him not to take me anywhere and to just let me get off the car because I wasn’t going to have it that day.

I long for independence.

Longing is a good sign of wanting to live eh? Yeah, it sort of is.

********

I’ve been meditating out of the water as well as in it. That has been my prayer.

********

My jaw pain from the metal plate that’s sticking out–oh right, I haven’t told that story yet–has been hurting again. I keep feeling like grabbing a chainsaw and hacking my entire jaw out.

********

Mansie came by on Monday so we could write a proposal and I could get that job back as a contracted worker, but…

I don’t know what I’m doing.

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20 Responses to “Uh Oh! P Just Opened Up A Can of Impulsivity and Angel Just Opened Up A Can…”

  1. I like that I’m in the title of your post, lol!

    • PAZ said

      And I like that your question prompted me to think of all these old Latin pop singers. I spent much of the night listening on YouTube. lol

  2. Hard when you like someone, to be cautious. Myself, I don’t like people who presume to a closer acquaintance than they’ve earned – it turns me off. The Spanish music is so passionate – I really like it.

  3. Dorothy said

    oh, I don’t know, the drummer ‘boy’ sounds like a nice diversion to me. why does it have to lead anywhere other than where it is now? can’t you just enjoy yourself?

  4. Dorothy said

    Congratulations! Because I think your blog is so special and entertaining, I’m nominating you for the new Daisy Award! You can pick it up at my blog. Hope you participate!

  5. Oh P! You’re brain sounds very fast. Mine hasn’t done this for a few days, but I know what it is like and I can feel it when I’m reading it.
    You know I have no idea when it comes to relationships. I think maybe just go with the flow. Perhaps, with our brains we over-over analyse things, where as all the “normal” people out there go on instinct. I dunno. I think it’s bed time here!
    Love xoxoxoxo

    • PAZ said

      Yes, it’s been all over the place. It’s been really up and about. I even thought I’d calmed down enough when I wrote this, but apparently not. heheh

  6. Amanda said

    “I’d rather be the asshole in any relationship-type situation because I often think I’m no good.”— = Me.

    “I don’t know what I’m doing.” — = Me.

    Texting/Sexting is fun. It is nice to be doted on, thought of…but when you are done with you just pretend your phone was turned off 🙂

    • PAZ said

      The pretending it’s turned off is a good one! ha. 😉

      I actually wouldn’t rather be the asshole. I should have said, “I lean towards being the asshole because I jump the gun”. Then again, I don’t know what I’m saying. 🙂

      xo

      • Amanda said

        For me I end up being the asshole because I make the other person feel like an asshole because they feel like they can’t make me happy…because I feel like I’m not worthy and can’t trust something good. Make any sense?

        • PAZ said

          hehe. You sound so much like Fiona did in this one interview. Aggh. We’re such Fiona fanatics…

          Anyway, so you just have some circular logic going on there is all. I have it too. Mine goes something like this:

          I’ve never been in a “real” relationship (wasn’t even asked out until I was 19-20) and don’t even know what “a relationship” means, so I discredit anything that can lead to a potential long-term romantic affair. I don’t even know if I like those words, let alone the idea itself!

          Besides, I don’t think guys that are “worth-while” for me would find me worth-while. I mean, who’d want to be stuck with a deaf mental midget in a wheelchair right? So I get with guys that are just as fucked up as me, or worse. Which is fine and good until as long as we don’t get too attached, but we do. And I start realizing I don’t want that.

          I’m more responsible. I have more goals and aspirations. I don’t want to get high every damn day like they may. Then I go back to thinking I might as well settle for any lay. So the tug of war begins and I make the person feel like they’re unworthy of me which in turn makes me feel like I’m unworthy of anyone for making them feel bad. I give them the “yes, no, maybe, I don’t know. Grow up! Whatever man!” instead of just being direct. And I ignore/doubt any pass from any guy who might be responsible because… well shit, there’s the circular logic. 😉

          I’m about to be twenty-seven and I feel like a fifteen-year-old. Meh

  7. […] Maybe this is the part of me that’s “borderline”. If you remember when I wrote, Uh Oh! P Just Opened Up a Can of Impulsivity and Angel Just Opened Up A Can of, I had mentioned a fella I’d started more or less “talking to”. It was more like […]

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