No Matter What

July 9, 2012

I feel like no matter what I do, I’m going to slip into an early grave. I’ve got my right foot in the coffin and my left foot in the pool. I’m no longer at a “kill yourself” mentality most days but rather a, “haha, you’re going to die soon even if you don’t kill yourself so best enjoy this fuckin’ ride” mentality.

That’s an improvement right?

ha.

Look at me Monkey Man. I’m gonna die young like you!

I’m laughing like the Joker and whimpering with all the oxygen I have left.

I hope it ends quick, but clearly it hasn’t been. I can’t keep waking up like this–nauseated, shaky, dizzy, with a croaking frog lodged in my throat, with a well of tears backed up behind my eyes, with my stomach churning, my chest palpitating, my toes and fingers tingling and my lungs so out of breath! People with Osteogenesis Imperfecta (OI) tend to have heart and lung problems but I know this is due to anxiety, not my OI.

****

Is this a panic attack?

Am I getting one every morning?

Is it the medications?

What the fuck man!?

Oh heavens…

I’ll admit, I took two painkillers and an Ambien last night because the jaw pain has gotten bad again. I don’t know why it’s gotten bad again but it has. I know I have to have the metal plate removed. I should just get it over with, but I’m afraid. The surgery I mean…  because of how they fucked it up last time. Anyway, I only have three painkillers left.

I just don’t know what to do. Hang on I suppose. Hang on tight. Hang on clawing if I have to.

But I feel like tearing at my skin in hopes that it will stop.

I

can’t

keep

waking up like this.

With heavens help, I’ll carry these Pretty Little Demons well.

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2 Responses to “No Matter What”

  1. Sending you hugs across the ocean P. I wish there was something I could do for you :S xoxoxoxooxoxoxox

    • PAZ said

      Thanks for the hugs Sailor. Just what I needed. I ate some cereal and Luna came out to cuddle and kiss me. Then I watched some TV and went back to bed. Am feeling a bit better now, enough to work on a photo restoration I’ve been meaning to get done.

      xoxoxoxxx

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