Choose to Use Your Skills

It’s the middle of the night. All is quiet. I’m alright, then SWHOOSH–the fire lights up. I think part of the gasoline was poured earlier today with the hearing test results at the hospital (I had the infusion done too).

I’m now having what can only be described as a hellish night. FUCK YOU PLDs! You may be pretty but you’re fuckin’ mean!

I don’t get how I can turn such a sharp corner from feeling alright to crying in the bathroom, getting myself to be mindful, to refocus on the present moment and not dissociate.

Ok, ok, start your breathing exercises. What does the floor feel like? Step on it. Feeeeeel it. Ok. It’s cool. Say your Serenity Prayer. Go back to bed now.

But then it all starts over again and I’m heaving and moaning like some zebra that just got striked by a lion and though he’s got a mean grip at my throat, I’m not quite dead; I’m gasping, and I think, “Oh god, I have to be up at 7:30 so I can take the bus, 1 and a half hour ride to the university for my very first appointment back in therapy.”

Oh and today at the hospital…

I don’t get it. I don’t get how I can go from being ok to crawling into a fetal position wanting so badly to jab and tare up a vein and watch it all drain out, slowly and peacefully.

Then I see this.

It made me think of Angel Fractured ’cause of the wings.
Taken from http://www.facebook.com/understandingbpd

And more than the words, the bright green and red colors–the complementary color contrast soothes. In DBT this would be, “self sooth” and “distract” skills for distress tolerance and emotional regulation.

And I realize I’m choosing to use my coping skills as best I can (though I did take one of my year-old, spare Clonazepam).

I’m choosing to use my wise mind. My heartbeat is back at a regular pace. Hopefully after writing this I’ll catch some sleep.