Choose to Use Your Skills

July 12, 2012

It’s the middle of the night. All is quiet. I’m alright, then SWHOOSH–the fire lights up. I think part of the gasoline was poured earlier today with the hearing test results at the hospital (I had the infusion done too).

I’m now having what can only be described as a hellish night. FUCK YOU PLDs! You may be pretty but you’re fuckin’ mean!

I don’t get how I can turn such a sharp corner from feeling alright to crying in the bathroom, getting myself to be mindful, to refocus on the present moment and not dissociate.

Ok, ok, start your breathing exercises. What does the floor feel like? Step on it. Feeeeeel it. Ok. It’s cool. Say your Serenity Prayer. Go back to bed now.

But then it all starts over again and I’m heaving and moaning like some zebra that just got striked by a lion and though he’s got a mean grip at my throat, I’m not quite dead; I’m gasping, and I think, “Oh god, I have to be up at 7:30 so I can take the bus, 1 and a half hour ride to the university for my very first appointment back in therapy.”

Oh and today at the hospital…

I don’t get it. I don’t get how I can go from being ok to crawling into a fetal position wanting so badly to jab and tare up a vein and watch it all drain out, slowly and peacefully.

Then I see this.

It made me think of Angel Fractured ’cause of the wings.
Taken from

And more than the words, the bright green and red colors–the complementary color contrast soothes. In DBT this would be, “self sooth” and “distract” skills for distress tolerance and emotional regulation.

And I realize I’m choosing to use my coping skills as best I can (though I did take one of my year-old, spare Clonazepam).

I’m choosing to use my wise mind. My heartbeat is back at a regular pace. Hopefully after writing this I’ll catch some sleep.

5 Responses to “Choose to Use Your Skills”

  1. Yay, pictures are making you think of me, lol!

    I’m sorry you’re not doing so well at the moment. 😦 I hope you got some sleep. Maybe you were nervous about the therapy appointment? I hope using your wise mind worked. *hugs*

    • PAZ said

      Thank you Angel! They aren’t Angel wings but they’re wings. I did get some sleep after writing the post. Oh, I was very nervous about the appointment, especially since we’d had to reschedule twice. And it rained all morning but it went well! 🙂

      hugs xoxoxxx

  2. DeeDee said

    I’m sorry things have been rough (well, awhile ago now, but I’m behind in blog reading) but glad you’re finding ways to apply DBT skills. Sometimes it seems I have to be in extreme distress before I remember that I have tools to deal with it.

    • PAZ said

      The hardest part is even remember what to use, what to do when in deep distress. I’m on an upswing these past three days. It’s strange. Still loads of anxiety though.

      Thanks so much for the support. HUGS


    • PAZ said

      Chickadee, I’m behind too. I’ll have to just get the latest. You know, life. Yeah, extreme distress before realizing skill. I just woke up an hour ago and spent the last hour unable to do anything but cry and lie there. Then I remembered…

      Thanks for the support. Hope things are going better one your end.

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