To My Fellow MFFs, Bloggies and Readers

July 17, 2012

There is so much I want to write about  (and not just about myself, heh).

I wish I had the poetic air that filled me in April during NaPoWriMo. It just seems to have depleted. But I’ve been feeling somewhat, oh I don’t know, “normal”. Is that even an accurate way of describing not wanting to kill yourself everyday?

I was really excercizing some demons there with some of those poems. Actually, the Pretty Little Demons (PLDs) were exercising the Mouse if you recall the ping-pong matches they started in May and all the other ruckus.

Feels like an enema is being done in my head now. But I will write and/or sketch something proper soon enough (as if I ever did). For now, I give  you this from Nacho Libre:

********

p.s. I saw Dusty yesterday. We had sex. And I want to have sex with him again and again and again and again. I know. I know. But he’ll be leaving for Brazil tomorrow, for a few months, with his family (his dad is Brazilian). And I have a therapy appointment tomorrow (have to ride the MetroLift since it’s been raining all week, bleugh). I kind of want to tell her, the therapist, about Dusty since it’s barely my second session in which we’ll do an overview of my life’s major problems–and well, the Saga of Dusty and P covers a lot of my druggy days/years. But I’ve never been open with therapists about sexual things. Should I tell her about him? It’s just… I think I’m hypomanic… I should leave this for another post.

p.p.s. XOXOxxxX

p.p.p.s. Your support has been incredible.

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19 Responses to “To My Fellow MFFs, Bloggies and Readers”

  1. Well, I’m a prude, so I probably wouldn’t want to talk about sex with anyone. And I still haven’t told my therapist about my blog yet, but that’s a big part of my life now. Once I told her I was thinking of starting one, and a little bit later she asked about it, but I just pretended like I’d forgotten about it. Now it would be weird . . . yeah, I’ve had this blog for almost 9 months, and I’ve been pretending it doesn’t exist. Lol. Also, occasionally I’ll talk about my therapist on there, and I don’t know if I’d want her reading that. Sorry, that’s a lot of off-topic stuff about me!

    • PAZ said

      Heheh. It’s ok. I like hearing/reading from you, especially when you sound more chipper.

      I can see your apprehension with telling her about it, and since you talk about her/him on here it makes it more awkward for you. Do you feel a strong need to tell her? I mean, what are the main reasons for telling her in your opinion and how would that benefit your therapy?

      I’m not really a prude. I can joke about sexual things all the time in front of people I don’t even know that well, but I do shy away when it comes to talking about my own sex life (or lack of). I think I feel like people don’t see me as someone that can… well, as I really am basically. 😉

      xoxoxxx

      • Actually, it’s rather pathetic. I want to tell someone in real life about my choose-your-own-adventure blog (that I’ve started it), but it’s connected to my main one. So, I can’t tell anyone I know in real life about it. 😦 That’s probably not something that would have much of an effect on my therapy, though.

        • PAZ said

          That’s not pathetic Angel! You know, I’ve been meaning to start a film reviews blog. It’s actually the first thing I was gonna do before I decided to write a personal blog. And I know that if and when I start it, I’ll feel the same way you do now about the Choose-Your-Own-Adventure, which is why I’m probably going to open it up on a separate account. I don’t want the two to mix. But then again, I don’t know… hehe.

          I told my new therapist about it yesterday, briefly, when she asked what I’ve been doing to cope. I think if you want others to know, you can start off by mentioning it to her nonchalantly, you know if something comes up related to you writing and how that helps you, fulfills you or whatever. Besides, I doubt she’ll even check, but it’ll give you practice in telling someone first–kinda like a warm-up.

          And isn’t there a personal friend you have that you can share this with? Maybe your brother? I know you want to remain anonymous for the time being (and I do too) but you could always weight the pros and cons of telling someone you know in person.

          We could also help promote it. The MFFs and Canvas and whatnot… 🙂

  2. the howler and me said

    Hey P,
    I would say YES, you should tell your therapist. If nothing else than to help you stay away from certain patterns of behavior….especially since you have a history with him…
    THAM

    • PAZ said

      THAM,
      Thanks for the advice. My gut instinct was saying to me, “tell her”.

      I’ll tell her, but I’ll have to inch my way into telling her. It’s so hard for me to talk about this. 🙂 See! You are the voice of reason! heheh.
      xoxoxxx

  3. Sounds like you really like Dusty! Pity he’s leaving for Brazil – will he come back do you think?

    • PAZ said

      Beautiful Rose, oh, I do. I really, really do, but I also really, really, REALLY don’t! I have a history with him. He was addicted to cocaine the last time we were “together” and now he’s sobered up some but he’s still too much, not someone I’d want to have a serious relationship with. It’s a pity ’cause he had been a good friend before we got into it with the sex.

      And I don’t want to break his heart again (or mine because breaking his would be breaking mine too). I’m falling into old patterns. He’s got gorgeous eyes, lips, face, is sweet but he’s a complete boy, a mess (more of a mess than I am. At least I’m responsible to a degree). He was diagnosed with bipolar and he’s got it bad. It’s like I said, a “saga” between us. I just opened another chapter to it. Let’s see how long this chapter will last, if it lasts. heheh.

      I do care about the boy though, but dear god no…

    • PAZ said

      ugh. I wish I could just have fun without all of the other feelings, but alas, I care. Then again I may be over thinking it and assume he’ll start wanting more when maybe that’s not the case… Oh it is… No, no I can’t say for sure.

  4. WeeGee said

    I think that not wanting to kill yourself everyday is about as normal as anybody gets, surely?! It’s certainly my ambition in life….

    I haven’t been reading your blog very long and this is my first comment (!) but it sounds to me like mentioning Dusty is a good idea, especially if there’s history there.

    Love, WeeGee xx

    • PAZ said

      Hello WeeGee!

      Glad to read your voice! I completely agree! I’m resolved to mention him because I don’t want to end up in the crazy circles I was in with him three years ago.

      And yes, it would be my ambition too, the not killing myself part. Our ambitions are quite modest aren’t they? heheh.

      I mean, I’ve still been having mini crying bouts, but dear god, not as bad. It’s more “normal” crying these days.

      Thanks for reading and suggesting,
      HUGS xoxo

  5. WeeGee said

    Ha ha! Here’s to normal crying…. is it normal to cry at TV commercials?!

    xx

    • PAZ said

      Depends on what kind and how many commercials me thinks. One or two or three may be fine and “normal”. But if we’re talking thirty commercials a day, no, no let’s make that 35-40 commercials a day (and you have to still be crying after the commercial is over), then we’re talking about a possible Commercials Crying Disorder (CCD) 😛

  6. xoxoxoxoxoxoxox lack of words today, but xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

  7. Amanda said

    What is normal anyway? Not sure that anyone qualifies as normal. But, having a healthier outlook is definitely a positive.

    I love sex now like I never did before. It feels…healthy. Does that sound strange?

    Paz, I ❤ you darling.

    • PAZ said

      Exactly Miss Amanda! Normal is one of those things we as humans through in in attempt to make sense of things. We sure love to categorize shit. That’s why I put the word in quotation marks–kinda my way of being a bit sarcastic.

      One thing is for sure though, I’m not average. hehe. Then again, that’s another word. Who the fuck is? We all have something special and unique and yet we all have the same basic primal needs.

      Speaking of primal needs, sex can most definitely be healthy! Sex can be both healthy (think Marvin Gaye, sexucal healing) but it can also be very damaging.

      MUCH LOVE xoxoxxx

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