Borderline Girl Song Week Ten: Savage Garden “To the Moon and Back”

September 18, 2012

As mentioned before, these little installments I came up with is a series of songs I randomly choose. They are songs that colored my youth in some way or another.

This week I took a trip down to my early teens. They were not happy years from what I remember. Sure, there were high times, but most of it involved bullying at school, violent fights with my mother, isolation, depression, discrimination, surgeries, insomnia, chronic pain, anxiety, self-loathing, rage, self-harm, etc. Though I’ve always been more of an introvert, I was a loud child. I was aggressive; I didn’t seem timid. I became increasingly timid when I hit middle school (isn’t that a rough one for everyone?). Anyway, since I felt so out-of-place, I rejected the boy band thing. I loathed Nsync, Backstreet Boys (for the most part), and especially the Spice Girls. Sure I loved the “girl power” thing, and the little feminist in me didn’t mature until I was in my twenties, but I always had a bit of anger towards girls. Guys, I could hang out with. Girls, not so much.

I generally haven’t been into much pop music since my early teens–even in my younger days I was more into gangster rap like Biggie, Tupak, Bone Thugs-n-Harmony, ha–however, Savage Garden is a pop duo I will forever love. I think this song came out when I was twelve or thirteen. That was when I started thinking about drinking a bottle of Hydrogen Peroxide and sniffing glue–not, not that white Elmers’ glue, the heavy duty construction worker glue in paste and jars– to see if it would kill me.

This song represents that little lost “borderline” girl in me. That girl that was never given room to grow, the girl that would become a little metal-head, a little punk and do anything to stop the pain.

I think as a result, I’ve had a taste for more contemplative music, if you know what I mean. Oh, and I love the shots of New York (near Brooklyn bridge) in this video.

She’s taking her time making up the reasons
To justify all the hurt inside
Guess she knows from the smiles and the look in their eyes
Everyone’s got a theory about the bitter one
They’re saying, “Mama never loved her much.”
And, “Daddy never keeps in touch.
That’s why she shies away from human affection.”
But somewhere in a private place
She packs her bag for outer space
And now she’s waiting for the right kind of pilot to come
And she’ll say to him,
She’s sayin,

“I would fly to the moon and back if you’ll be, if you’ll be my
Baby.
I’ve got a ticket for a world where we belong
So would you be my baby?”

She can’t remember a time when she felt needed.
If love was red then she was color blind.
All her friends, they’ve been tried for treason
And crimes that were never defined.
She’s saying “Love is like a barren place
And reaching out for human faith is like a journey
I just don’t have a map for.”
So baby’s gonna take a dive and
Push the shift to overdrive
Send a signal that she’s hanging
All her hopes on the stars
What a pleasant dream
She’s sayin,

“I would fly to the moon and back if you’ll be, if you’ll be my
Baby.
I’ve got a ticket for a world where we belong
So would you be my baby?”

(Hold on, Hold on)
“Mama never loved her much.”
And, “Daddy never keeps in touch.
That’s why she shies away from human affection.”
But somewhere in a private place
She packs her bag for outer space
And now she’s waiting for the right kind of pilot to come
And she’ll say to him,
She’s sayin,

“I would fly to the moon and back if you’ll be, if you’ll be my
Baby.
I’ve got a ticket for a world where we belong
So would you be my baby?”
~JONES, DANIEL / HAYES, DARREN

****

I dedicate this particular post to my brother’s ex-ex-girlfriend who made his life “miserable”. But really, now that I know, I suspect she has BPD. They were together for five years and lived with us for about three. She’s my age and also loved/loves this song. Hell, she probably loves it more than I do. Sadly, she was in denial about her problematic behavior and didn’t get help when we asked her to. The entire world was against her. When I repeatedly asked her to get help, I was “antagonizing” her and siding with my brother. Mind you, this was shortly before I was asked to get help too. haha! She had it rough though. I thought my family was crazy, until I met her.

At least my family was there for me in some way or another. At least they showered me with lots of love. At least my mother never made me sell drugs at sixteen, despite her violent ways with me. At least my mother never kicked me out of the house (although she did tell me to get the hell out plenty of times). At least my father never walked out on me. I never had a sister in prison and with seven kids by the age of twenty-one. I don’t have another sister who survived a suicide attempt and then went on to have terminal cancer. It was sad seeing her go… and god, the kid.

I didn’t grow up in Fifth Ward, one of the roughest neighborhoods/parts of Houston. I only grew up in the “semi-ghetto,” not the full blown ghetto, and the principal transferred me to a “rich kids” school in sixth grade because of my good grades. My brother wasn’t in prison, hell, he’s never been in trouble with the law, except for one public intoxication misdemeanor (the story was funny as hell too). We were the only family she thought she had. I’m not even going to begin or try to explain how alone she’d been in this world. I’m surprised she was alive that long and I hope she’s alright these days and that life is treating her well.

I miss you Dee. I hope you finished your mechanical engineering degree! I’m sorry things didn’t work out with my brother, though they may have with me. heheh. I joke that I fell in love with her more than my bro did.

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10 Responses to “Borderline Girl Song Week Ten: Savage Garden “To the Moon and Back””

  1. God, this is actually kind of painful for me to read / listen to. It hits so many jagged nerves.

    There are so many things, thoughts, feelings, and notions that I put on the backburner because I think they’re “crazy” or “not me”. And some of those things are sitting here right in front of me. And it makes me want to turn on my heels and click like hell!

    • PAZ said

      The song hits jagged nerves in me too. I hope it wasn’t triggering for you though.

      • No, it was just opening my mind up to certain possibilities. I’m in the Dx limbo right now, where no doctor actually wants to tell me what’s going on. It’s making it difficult for me to treat at home, you know?

        • PAZ said

          I think I know what you mean. This reminded you of some unresolved past events/issues. It did for me. I was told that my Dx wasn’t supposed to be released to me. Wrote about that not too long ago. Yesterday, I took one of those online test and the result was that I fit into the “severe borderline” category. ha. Sometimes I can’t stand the categorization, other times, I’m really into it because it’s helpful to figure things out and treat.

          • I still don’t know my Dx after my reevaluation and such. I’ve been a lot more honest with my doctor. I’ve seen a lot of codes, but I keep mixing the numbers up. I know my BP Dx code and that’s 296.6. I was still psychotic the last time I went in because I was still having heavy delusions. So, I’m officially BP I now. Surprise of surprises. I should have told him about the delusions before. It just never hit me that hard.

            I don’t seem to be able to get a therapist that wants to touch this. I’ve been wait listed twice now. Even my regular doctor of two years switched off my care. I have a feeling that there’s something up, but no one wants to say anything.

  2. lyxia said

    yeah savage garden, age 14 or 15 my refuge while growing up in an environment that pushed us anglos away.
    I was depressed and suicidal always contemplating our balcony, knives or our medication box (no see we had a table sized box of deadly meds, no space in cabinets). My 11 year old brother saved me by following the same path. Together we went through the motions of boys and girls bands. While I sank deeper, he kept me afloat with him being alive.

    You know it all those boys bands you mentionned, I had them all and I brought them with me. Recently I noticed they brought out old emotions, so deep, so wrong, so painful that I broke them all into pieces and swore never to listen to any of them again. Triggers.

    How old is your bro by the way?

  3. lyxia said

    i have a big bro now and its really nice 🙂

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