My Big Ugly Mouth

September 23, 2012

Why can’t I keep my big ugly mouth shut sometimes? Really? Is it that hard to think before you speak P?

This is why I’m an asshole.

I always seem to offend someone that is getting close to me. It’s almost like I do it to get rid of the person before they get rid of me, and I don’t realize it until the deed is done. This must be why I end up alone.

I got a text this morning from Eg: “Didn’t appreciate that ‘shitfaced’ comment at all. I’m trying here and you threw it in my face”

I admit, it was a mean thing to say, especially the WAY I said it and how it came out of nowhere like that. I just did. And I really am sorry. I would’ve been hurt too had he said that to me. I won’t even repeat it in full here, but more or less I called him a shitfaced drunk and told him not to call me if he was shitfaced drunk and to forget about ever calling me in that case.

Maybe it’s because I had to deal with Monkey Man’s drinking most of our time together. Maybe it’s because I was projecting my own past problems with drink and self-loathing. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. It can be a lot of things. It can be anything. In the end, it doesn’t matter much because what I say is mean and hurtful. And I tend to say things in the meanest, most hurtful ways I can find.

“You really have a sharp dagger for a tongue,” my mother would say.
“Looks who’s calling the kettle black. Ain’t I just like my mami,” I’d reply. Of course, I’d have to quickly brave myself for a roundhouse kick.

Eg is the only person I’ve actually talked to on the phone in months, well, besides short hellos with my brother and medical related calls.

How do I teach this big ugly mouth of mine to close the fuck up every now and then and not turn those who care about me away?

Sometimes I think I deserve all this fuckin’ jaw pain I’ve been having to deal with.

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35 Responses to “My Big Ugly Mouth”

  1. I have the same problem. I blame the angels and demons. At least we know we are doing it, maybe that way we can practice mindfullness and not do it so much!
    Either way, neither of us will end up alone.
    Love xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxoooooooooooooooxxoxoxoxox

    • PAZ said

      I’m going to blame the PLDs for all the random mean shit that comes out of my mouth sometimes. I don’t get it. I could be in a good moment with someone and then they/PLDs just pop out of me with the meanest things to say. Definitely not me. It wasn’t even provoked. I feel bad. And now he’s not replying to any of my apologies. 😦 I’ll have to keep myself really busy today or I’ll obsess about this. lol.

      Thanks Sailor. This made me feel a little better.

      Mindfulness child. 😉 Right! We don’t end up alone, you’re absolutely right.
      love xoxoxxxxxxx

      Your present and my brother’s present made my week. 🙂

  2. lyxia said

    ive noticed if i dont speak out the shit i think about people, it gets bottled up inside of me and then I’m in trouble. I get more aggitated and turn towards cutting to release some.
    The only people who can tolerate this sort of lashing out words are those who do the same….

    • PAZ said

      hmmm. But I want to hurt myself when I realize how much I’ve hurt others…

      • lyxia said

        yeah me too: thats why I restrict the number of close friends. Those I will never ever hurt. Or try to. And if I do, they will know exactly why and understand. I can talk to them about it, I can cry in front of them, I can get angry in front of them. Not hide and start slashing. You cant clam up your feelings all the time, all you can do is select those people that are really important and concentrate not to hurt them. It takes time, but the lesser people you need to protect, the lesser chance of getting hurt. guh i hate writing depressing stuff. xxx

  3. the howler and me said

    Totally understand… my mouth is pretty sharp too.
    AND, I will say, I have a VERY hard time being around or talking to someone that is under the influence…. Because of my own problems with substances… because I don’t like having my face rubbed in it….

    So, part of me totally gets WHY you said what you said.

    • PAZ said

      HEheh. I can see that. You know, he wasn’t even drunk. He just said he was going to a bar and that’s when I went off. lol.. I really think dealing with Monkey Man’s drunken calls took a tole on me.

      • the howler and me said

        Ah yes, the knee jerk reaction… I know that too well…
        Forgive yourself… and well… hopefully he will too… no one is perfect and we all freak out from time to time….

  4. I do this too sometimes. It’s like I’m trying the best I can to sabotage the relationship, except I’m stupid and of course don’t realize it until it’s over. 😦

  5. unfetteredbs said

    words are a natural repellant from someone getting to close… hurt them before they hurt us…

  6. If you can figure out how to keep quiet when you need to, would you let me know?

  7. I don’t think it’s a matter of “keeping your mouth shut,” rather, finding kinder ways to say things. I’ve lost a few friends for almost this exact same comment. I find that when I steel myself and tell them the honest truth about why I hate it when they’re drunk and why I get so hostile, I get to keep my friends. But when you’re an angry and rather sarcastic person like myself, this can be very hard to do.

    • DeeDee said

      Agreed – tact is a skill that’s hard to learn, and not all of us are born with it. It took me quite a few years and I still do the open-mouth-enter-foot routine all too often. And then it’s hard not to dwell on it.

      But I also agree, honesty is the best policy. Lies add up and compound and make you feel bad. Finding tactful ways to be truthful, gentle enough but firm enough, is difficult but worth the practice.

    • PAZ said

      Agreed too. I think it’s all in the way you say it (mostly at least). But the thing here is, it was a text, tone was lacking… Anyway, I guess context and all that comes into play so he took offense, which I get. But now he’s just being an ass and a dick about it. I’ll see what to do… I’m definitely an angry and sarcastic person and it bites me in the ass.

      • I’d let him cool down for a while, then maybe try to explain what you meant and why you used sarcasm. Something I explained/discovered once was that I tend to use sarcasm more with people I really love, because it’s a way of padding outright anger. Shrug – doesn’t always make it better, but sometimes it helps.

        • PAZ said

          Thanks Rachel! I like your suggestion. Importunately he made a mean remark on Facebook and it set me off. I retaliated even though I knew it would have been best not to. He was out of line. It was a sweet thing I’d mentioned in regards to a WP friend and out of nowhere he just slammed on me. Also, he lives in Canada (I live in Texas), so I haven’t had a chance to call him and clear the smoke.

  8. lyxia said

    when i love someone too much they catch in flammes and when I hate them, I want to burn myself down..

  9. So if you’d thought about it more, you wouldn’t have said it? Story of my life – not saying things that should be said. So what’s better? not sure.

    • PAZ said

      Well, yep. But no. I mean, it was a text! You know how you can’t tell tone of voice through texts? I was being sarcastic but he took offense. And then he started being a complete dick about it last week. So right now I’m just focusing on other things.

  10. Angel-2-Hot-2-Handle said

    Honey, I can empathize with you and I totally understand the entire shoot first and ask questions later, as I too have the trait of just saying what I think and feel without firstly stopping to consider any consequences much less give a shit about them at the time.
    Hinze site is a wonderful thing, so don’t beat yourself up over words you said out of hurt, anger and total frustration, heart ache is the hardest emotion to curb. ((hugs)) Angel

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