Grateful Today

November 2, 2012

When you’re down under the defunct skin of depression, it’s difficult to see anything in bright light or feel anything pleasurable. It’s difficult to be grateful, even though you realize there are “good” things in your life, you’re so bereft of health, positive, motivational feelings that it becomes void. You KNOW there are good things, but your subconscious traumas take over, particularly in people with BPD. You only feel the shit smothering you in nastiness. And then you feel guilt for not feeling “appreciative”. The pain is just too strong, too overpowering. The lenses have no view of, or recognition of enjoyment.

Now, today, I am grateful for the beautiful weather, for water, for being able to swim, for my eyes and ears (though they fail me), and for my hearing aids which help my ears. I’ve learned to accept them and use them more often. This doesn’t mean I’m no longer a musician. Oh yeah, I’m grateful for music!

I’m grateful for my body, though it’s hard for me to love it. I am learning to love it for what it is–T-Rex-Duck arm and all. Swimming has helped with that.

I’m grateful that last night, even though I got drunk, I did not self-harm. I’m grateful that I ran into a lovely fella from the university after therapy and he asked to hang out. I’m grateful that he came over and we jammed a little. I played the ukulele and piano for him (though I was shy about it and stopped midway). And he taught me a little Arabic scale. He brought a candle that a lady who hosted us–the activist group we were in–at her home in Detroit for the U.S.Social Forum. That was back in the summer of 2010. I can’t believe he kept it this long.

We lit the candle and he sung a prayer in Arabic for the Day of the Dead (it’s a Mexican tradition, but other cultures have similar celebrations and rituals). His soft fro was lit by the flickering candle, and I thought of Monkey Man’s red and gold beard. I though of all those close to me who have passed on.

It was just… pleasant.

****

Tonight, I will add to this on my Facecrack page.

********

What are you grateful for today?

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22 Responses to “Grateful Today”

  1. To keep going we have to have things to live for. You have related that you do. In recovery programs I find people who feel they do not and my admonition is “go invent something”.

    • PAZ said

      We sure do. I’ve always felt like when I find something to live for, life tares it down. Like music. I used to live for music, then I started loosing my hearing. But I’ve realized that I can move on and find something else to live for.

      Best to you Carl!

  2. I am grateful for this post, and grateful for being alive.

  3. Amanda said

    I am grateful I read this and for all of the many things I have taken for granted. Especially grateful that I still have chances.

    I love you Paz.

  4. Grateful my son has a good group of friends who genuinely care about him and treat him as someone important.
    I just dropped him off at a party (he spent the whole afternoon putting on latex skin and makeup to look like a zombie). Was happy for him to have what I really needed and didn’t when I was his age.

    • PAZ said

      We always want our posterity to have things we didn’t. I’m glad your kid had that. 🙂

      If I ever have a kid (probably through adoption), I’m sure I’d feel the same way.

  5. saradraws said

    I’m grateful to know you.

  6. I am grateful for a wonderful loving and supportive family!

  7. the howler and me said

    I am grateful for the second chance and third chances in my life. I am grateful for the howler for brightening up my life. I am grateful for my blogging friends (yes, P that means you) and for my in the flesh friends….

    I could go on and on… but you get the drift ❤

    • PAZ said

      You are one of my MFFs Tham! I hope you know that. I’m also grateful for my in-the-flesh friends. I’m starting to see that I DO have friends in the flesh. Oh man, haven’t we had so many second changes. Fuck, I’ve had nine lives (like a cat) or more. ♥ xoxoxxx

  8. DeeDee said

    Today I’m grateful to spend time relaxing with a person I love. It’s nice to do once in awhile.

  9. It being Sunday. I’m supposed to be able to sleep in but my cat doesn’t agree!

  10. Lynx said

    I am grateful to have been allowed to carry the Totem Pole and welcomed in the celebrations of this new phase of reconizing the harm and going towards healing, all togethre, regardless our pains.
    I am grateful for those, dead and alive, to have brought me to this little town where I have done my own recovery. The river and mountains have the same soul as all of us and I am thankfull they let me here it.
    I am thankful to those little bribs of courage and information given to me and the support of my best friend.
    So please, I beg the world not to fight. Dont go to war, let everybody have a chance to heal. This world can be shit but damn, can be beautiful.

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