Road Kill

February 6, 2013

Shitty afternoon.

I was upset, very upset. It was 6:15 and I saw the email: “Please answer me. I drove 110 miles to come see you” it read.

I thought he’d been held up by a traffic jam, but it turns out he’d been outside my house–around the corner somewhere waiting for me for over half an hour. There was miscommunication. I told him not to knock if both cars were still in the driveway. Well, it turns out I’d forgotten my bro’s beat-up-and-broken-down BMW is in our driveway. So GB thought it best not to knock. His phone broke so he emailed me from his laptop. How was I supposed to know? I felt terrible.

I was waiting for him to come by so we could fuck. I know, that sounds crude and vulgar but it is what it is. I don’t fuck a lot and I haven’t even mentioned GB ’cause I didn’t even know he existed before my hiatus from bloggieland. But that’s beside the point. I went out to see if he was out there then I realized the message had been sent at 5:34. I replied with various emails on my phone and he said he’d headed back at 6:00. Fuck! I felt a surge of anger, towards myself. Why wasn’t I clear about it. White car, blue van, blah blah. I miscommunication.

I figured since I was outside with the dogs I’d get the mail–use my DBT skills and whatnot. Then it all came rushing in. I started choking, the tears fell and the sobs ran. My frustration had built up, but it wasn’t just that, it was today. Today is the day. Specifically.


One year ago today, I hung out with Monkey Man for the last time. We watched the Superbowl with his friends, ate brisket (first time I ate red meat after years), we cuddled, I played a prank on his friend and broke my arm; said friend’s girlfriend made tea for us while I took one of Monkey Man’s painkillers and smoked a few puffs of his weed. The night didn’t end well but it was beautiful. It really was. It was just chill. Simple. Nice. It had been a long time since I’d had a relatively peaceful evening hanging out with him, so this night stood out and little did I know I’d be the last night I’d have with him. I thought “yes, he’s getting better”. And my fears of getting a call, that call you get when an addict finally does it–all of them dispelled that night.


But I’m reminded of a Peaches song, “Fuck the pain away”. That’s what I wanted to do today. It’s just that… I wanted to curl up in someone for just one moment. Instead, I crossed the street, key in hand, and noticed a dead squirrel. I looked at it, took a picture with my phone, and for an instant I felt ok, not because of the poor squirrel’s fat but the sense of peace its little head held. It almost looked like it was dreaming.

I thought, maybe that’s what Monkey Man felt before he passed? I hope…

(c) paz


addendum: A cat has been nibbling at it since then. C’est la vie.

15 Responses to “Road Kill”

  1. Sorry for your grief Paz … tough day for sure … I hope the evening improved for you.

  2. Victoria said

    Hope the heavy has lifted, or lifting. I know that weight.
    Much love to You.

  3. I’m really sorry, PAZ. Any possibility of another date? Also, um, how do you manage to “do it” without breaking bones? And I’m really sorry about Monkey Man. I’ve lost people too…

    • PAZ said

      heheh. Your question about how I manage to “do it” without breaking bones made me giggle like a school girl.

      Funny that when you asked this I was dealing with a fractured pelvis (i know, it took me a long time to reply). I suspected the pelvic fracture was either from sex I had with that guy a few weeks prior to writing this post or from swimming or a combination of the two. I didn’t feel any pain or anything when I was with the guy, so I’m wondering how it happened.

      I don’t think I’ve ever fractured during the deed before but it’s definitely a possibility if I’m not careful. And I do tend to ignore caution a lot. But I’m careful enough I think. 😉


  4. The pic is indeed disturbing. I always get upset anytime I see road kill. I hit a squirrel once during an ice storm, and I felt so guilty . . .

    I’m sorry about all of this. *hugs*

    • PAZ said

      It is. Don’t think I would have taken it had the little guy been smashed up. But he looks kinda peaceful (blood aside), don’t you think?

      And compared to last year, I’m doing great, although I’m having a fuck-everyone kind of night.

      Thanks for the hugs though

      *hugs back*

  5. lyxia said

    when i read your post, all i was thinking was about your needs not being met and that sucks. i hope you had stuff to down the hornyness….. xoxoxoxox

    • PAZ said

      well, my needs were met a few weeks after but he just emailed me today and told me he found someone while he was in NY last week. I knew it would only be a fling so I made sure not to get attached. C’est la vie.

  6. wow. So sad. Terrible things 😦

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