February 23, 2013

I feel everything.


I don’t seem to understand my own emotions. All I know is they are too fuckin’ high or too fuckin’ low. They are great and unmeasurable gusts that throw me about, they are high tides, violent waves that crash upon me, sharp and stabbing, prickly things all inside me, choking, scratching and tearing, electrifying, BURNING  every fiber of my being, ORGASMIC, all-encompassing burning, fuckin–just too fuckin much.

And then…


I feel nothing.

I am void, washed out, dried up with a comforting numbness. I don’t even care if I’ve lost all of my heart.


In the end, I find only my art.

19 Responses to “02.23.13”

  1. I read you loud and clear. Now that I am living near my parents, or more to the point, my mother, I am on a cocktail of meds that has eliminated emotion completely. I am Data. I am Spock. I am my Asperger sekf and I don’t give a shit, in fact I like it. But when my job is finished here I’ll probly ratchet the meds down a peg or so. Congrats on the job!!!!

  2. lyxia said

    yup…. i was working and got bitch-slapped by a combo of emotions. For 2 weeks I was cycling 3-4 hours HOURLY! I was completly destablised and going from suicidal thoughts to exhaustion to mixed episode to sudden mania of wanting to take off on the road to wanting to tear my ribs out one by one and so on. The sleep was ok and I held on. Mixed episodes are bad but this was rapid cycling like mad. Now that i am out im like, woooo that was a fucking ride. But I remember for the next time: IT ENDS!!! You must find a refuge for that time being. I write stories and thats were the cycling goes. It eventually pulls me out.
    Stick to your art, dont let go!

  3. lyxia said

    If you were not passionate, you would be dead like all those people walking back and foward day and night. Be mad, be strong, be alive and pour it all into your art!!! xxxxxx

  4. Your post was very heart-felt, i feel a sadness for what you are going through, you know things do get better, it’s not always this tough, it does eventually settle-those rough oceans you riding on-sooner or later the water will calm itself. I know, because i have lived it before and things are better for me now. May your heart have strength, and peace, and may the light of the Goddess shine down on you or Jesus or Allah or Mohammed or budda whatever works for you dear. Do not lose faith. There are good things in the universe as well as bad. peace to you.-emily

    • PAZ said

      Thank you so much Emily! I’ve actually been on an upward climb the last five months or so. 🙂 This is a BIG improvement from how I was this time last year. I was suicidal last year and am not so right now. 🙂

      Glad things are better for you now. And i’m happy to read this comment. It’s very kind.

      As-salamu alaykum! xo

  5. Yep! I often wonder why it has to be always like that. Either feel too much or feel nothing. And of course, I never find the answer

  6. I feel more of the nothing than the everything. My art seems to be there more in the times of nothing though.
    But that is me and you are you.
    Funny creatures that we are.

  7. I suppose, if you were into buddhism, you might be able to just accept and observe these highs and lows, and adjust accordingly – highs are times for creative effort and fun, lows are times for staying in bed. Is life like that? Probably not. Hugs, Mouse xx

    • PAZ said

      I am into Buddhism dear Beautiful. I am learning mindfulness and acceptance one day at a time. And if you remember, I year ago I was fairing FAR FAR FAR WORSE. I’m pretty good these days.

      And you? Miss reading your words.

      hugs xox

    • PAZ said

      p.s. In DBT therapy, we call this “radical acceptance” 😉

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