In Memory of a Man…
March 23, 2013
… A mental Monkey Man.
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Chances are that what I don’t get blogged today, I won’t blog tomorrow, so here I go before another day passes.
Yesterday was the “anniversary” of the day I got the call that Monkey Man was found dead. I don’t even know if I should call it “anniversary”. Something about the connotation of that is upsetting me. So anyway, I’ll just say, a year ago yesterday, I got the news that Monkey Man was no longer with us.
Those of you that followed me back then know the story. I will not repeat it, nor do I want to. Yesterday, I spent most of the therapy session talking about it. And slowly but surely I realize that I am moving past this. The pain will never be completely gone, but I am ok with that now. I am working at managing my life and actually FEEL ALIVE today.
Brunet Young and I discussed so much and I felt relieved. I told her how sometimes I feel “happy” that he’s gone and feel like a “bad” person for that. We later found that maybe “happy” wasn’t the right word. No, not at all.
I cried in front of her for the first time. There are just too many emotions to describe or begin to recognize when someone you love dies this way–by their own hands. And there is A LOT OF ANGER! I for one have dealt with anger management problems all of my life (common in peopole with BPD). She suggested maybe, in a way, I’m relieved, definitely not “happy” about it. And that’s ok. It doesn’t mean I’m, a “bad” person.
Why else would so many of the depressing blog posts on here be about him?
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One thing I did this week was draw this portrait in memory him. A.F., his stepsister gave me this picture she took of us sometime in 2006-2007. It was what she calls the “happy summer”. Strangely enough, I was very depressed then, but Monkey Man was glowing and everyone said it was on account of me being there.
The relationship I had with him was so intense, so wonderful, so terrifying, so loving yet so abusive at times. I learned a lot from that relationship.
But I did love him and I know he loved me.
Correction, I do love him. I know he’d be proud of how well things are going for me these days. I found a text he had sent me on my phone about two months ago, it reads:
“It’s ok my love. U r one of the most powerful people i know. I wish i had the strength u have”
R.I.P T.H.L
Art brings me comfort.
Pen and Ink © paz
When we were younger, fatter, in a sense healthier (at least he was) and stoned. circa 2006.
© copyright 2011 Licensed to PAZ through the 
In both Hebrew and Yiddish we have a special word for “anniversary of a death.” These days are like windows in time for connection with the departed one. We tend to light candles and have a special meal in memory of the person, and of course special prayer swag etc. There’s no escaping the fact that the date is going to come around every year, so I think it could be helpful to have some kind of personal ritual to bring it in and process it with, not merely to mark the day.
I agree. I think you’re absolutely right. Maybe this year’s ritual was making the sketch? It was a soothing process. xoxoxxx
Hugs. I am glad you are feeling “better”.
((Hugs))
*hugs back*
I just came across from Canvas as I too have BPD. I will after some sleep as it is close to midnight here in Australia have a read back. I am sorry for your loss. I lost my cousin to his own hands and that was hard enough for me, but to lose someone I loved like this, I am not sure how I would cope. And I hope I never find out.
“It’s ok my love. U r one of the most powerful people i know. I wish i had the strength u have” I was told the same thing. Your text is heartbreaking and so close to what is going on now… thank you for keeping up a blog so personnal.
You are strong too love!