No, not a blow job you filthy-minded bloggie.

Back to BLOGGING se dijo!

… I hope. I miss this land, so I’ll try to blog again, por lo menos un poco, no?

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Yep, my hiatus has dragged longer than I expected, and you may have noticed–especially you, my long time followers– that I’ve been mostly out of the blogging radar, but I come bearing good gifts. These gifts are for myself though. ha (sorry) I’ll get some for you soon.

I’ve still tried to keep in touch with some of you who I’ve become friends with, but I also miss the other other buddies on here, all of you fellow bloggers and readers. With that said, I don’t think this post is going to be structured, so bare with me.

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Uh one…

Two…

Three and to the four!

Five, six, seven eight and to the nine!

Nine numbers.

It’s fuckin’ amazing what nine numbers will do for you. Nine little numbers!

The lack of nine little numbers had been the lack of a key for my ball and chain. And now I got it, though I still have a few chains on me. At least one has been released.

What the hell am I talking about?

My Social Security number, the one thing that makes you somewhat of a “person” here in the states. Yep, I FINALLY got my social security number. Twenty-two and a half years living in the states and I finally have one. It specifically states that I’m only under “work authorization” though. Funny how a number will make you a person, like the 14th Amendment made black slaves five fifths of a person instead of four fifths of a person.

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Anywho, back in July, when I wrote about Obama signing an executive order for deferred action for childhood arrivals, back when I nearly peed and shit my pants in disbelief and excitement, I still doubted this day would come. Barred from everything, even being able to “legally” work had worsened my depression. Who wouldn’t be down after graduating college, after becoming the family’s first generation college grad, and THEN having no job because you can’t “legally” get employed. Not having any money, hardly any for rent because of nine little numbers. You’d be blue rightfully so. But I was more than blue. And you long-time-bloggie-friends know how much beyond blue.

I was in hell. And now I’m out of hell. Been so for a few months now. So I’m out of hell and… and… in a job!

Yep, so back in January, I actually got my “work authorization card” (in the back of the card it reads: “This card is not evidence of U.S. Citizenship or permanent residence”). But I didn’t get around to blogging about it. And when I finally spent a day at the SSI office and all that jizzazz, I didn’t write about it either. But I REALLY wanted to. I REALLY did!

So much has been changing though. I’m exhausted.

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About a day or two BEFORE my social security number aka SSI card arrived in the mail (peed my pants again), I had a job interview. Yep BEFORE. I’m a hustler. And thanks to a lovely friend. Love you. And I was called back the same day! The boss fella wanted me to work right away. Of course, I had to go through all this logistical shit, background check and whatnot. I even got asked why I’m not a “legal permanent resident” by HR. Face palm ten times!

So here I am now. Two weeks into work. I just finished my second week this Thursday. It’s part time,so I only go into the office three days a week. That’s ok though,  because considering my physical and mental conditions, part-time is more than enough for me to handle. Don’t think I could handle more, at least not right now. Besides, I’m free to freelance now! I’ve been on elance, odesk, freelancer.com and all those sites preppin’ up my portfolio. I even started a new blog related to my profession!

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So where is P putting her skills to practice? At a community college. I’m working at one of the largest community colleges around here in the states. I’m at the PR department of the regional city-wide college system. I’m kind of like the multimedia girl. Video editing, photography, graphics and design. I’ll be doing a little writing too, mostly technical.

It’s been a hectic two weeks but I’m proud of myself. Damn proud.

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I’ve been going to the university a lot this week. For one, I go to therapy there. It’s cheap and I don’t have insurance. Two, I’m still dealing with the immigration issue and the law center has law students that help you out. It’s free.

I’ve been taking a few pictures around campus. It’s made me a little nostalgic.  I miss school, miss schoolin’. I almost feel like a student again with all my creepin’ and crawlin’ around campus these days. And I’m still working on my stealth. It’s a bit difficult with the wheelchair getting in the way. I also need to take my telephoto lens next time! It would have made the pictures better had I had it with me. I’ll get better shots next time. It’s just a bit of a pain switching lenses, especially because the telephoto lens is nearly one-third my full body size.

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I’ll post the other set later… Mouse must go swim!

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addendum: The waffle bus and Bernie’s Burger Bus are a fuckin’ rip off! Don’t buy their burgers. (I never did, just sayin’)

I meant to do this earlier but it’s been another long day folks. I went to therapy this morning. I tried to do this little photo retouching gig I got, I then went to a gym I was invited to (one of my mom’s friend’s).

There I swam my rage all over that pool. All that rage just spilled out of me like dozens of gallons of blood and dozens of gallons of pee turning the blue into red-pee until I couldn’t see anymore ’cause I didn’t take goggles with me and that shit burns in your eyes after a couple of laps. And when you can’t see anything anymore, you run into the other lane and hit your head and swallow all that red-pee water. That’s not even taking into account that my arm still feels like it could re-fracture any minute; that’s OI for you. In spite of all that, I’m a pretty damn good swimmer! Bet you didn’t expect that, did you? A mouse running laps in the water. Or maybe you did.

At least I’m busy and keeping some of the crazies out, but then again I’m a little scared that too much is happening all at once. I got a call from a non-profit I used to volunteer for. It was a good call but nerve  wrecking nonetheless. Then I got this aweful letter from the university saying they are going to take my $2,000 debt to the bill collectors because I’ve owed too long. What if they send someone to snap my neck in two?

That may be a good thing, but…

Oh jeezus!

Ok ok. Breath in. Breath out. Iiiiin. Ouuuut. Puff up, puff up the belly, round round, not the chest.

Ok. Ok.

I had two mini panic attacks today. Just had to make sure that wasn’t another one coming on.

Alright, here’s the deal. Dear Dotty Headbanger had nominated me and all of her other fans for the Golden Shatner Award for Blogger Awesomeness (GSABA). And even though she didn’t say it right out, she meant me in particular because she knows I’m her verdadera–that’s true and real–awesome fan, numero uno, none of these other clowns compare (you read that Le Don’t Compare Clown?).

Oh sheet, it's Shatner!

I nominate these people for also being awesome:

Awkward Elton
Howler and Me
Sailor Carrie
But I’m Beautiful (aka Beautiful Rose)

I was going to nominate the lovely Sarah Draws but I just noticed she nominated herself, so she’s out of the batch.

Nominees, apparently the rules are you should only–sucks I knownominate four people or something like that. I’m going to nominate myself twice however and add another four.

My arm hurts. I really did swim more than I probably should have so I’m keeping this short.

Oh sheet, it's Shatner again!

If you’re the first four to say anything on here, you automatically get in the second batch of the Shatner awards!

It’s so golden…

Penumbras

February 3, 2012

Penumbras

They are the ghosts

Of your bitter wishes.

Drawn by your insecurities.

Magnified by your frustrations.

Don’t stare at them.

If your gaze lands,

They will begin to

Crawl. Don’t follow them.

When your sorrows grow,

Floods of them will

Swarm and form a

Haze of darkness. And

Before you know it,

They will surround you.

Like thick, hungry ticks,

They will penetrate you.

Gnawing at each vein,

They will bleed you.

Don’t cultivate their need.

Because if you feed

Them and nurture them

Each night, they’ll surprise

You when you wake.

From corners and crevices,

They’ll guzzle each one

Of your uttered curses,

Your reckless, dark desires.

Attention is their sustenance.

It makes them bold.

Soon enough, they’ll chase

You down and rob

You of your peace,

Those sly, shady devils

Will have you prey.

Eat or be eaten,

Is what I say.

That’s why girl, keep

Your sight on lighter

Things.  Become the shadow

Eater, if you must.

© PAZ 2009

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This was actually an assignment for one of those creative writing classes I took in college. I don’t do well with prompts. The prompt here was to write four words per line. I found it yesterday as I was organizing some folders whilst  having a sudden urge to get really fucked up on benzos and narcos. But then I thought, “Hey, I’m going to use the end of this as a mantra for the day”. Really, I think I’m going to use it for the upcoming weeks since I haven’t had an urge like this (at least not this strong) in a very long time. And it’s a bit worrisome. I’m still feeling that urge to take something that’ll just knock me out good. I no longer have the Ambien nor money to get a refill either. But I do have some very old benzos (no strong narcos though), and then there’s some of that Hydrocodone left… See here I am contemplating the beauty of pills that give the wonderful gift of not feeling… No, I don’t want to go there. I know where that leads back to–crushing, blending, parachuting, and snorting painkillers with benzos, and any pill really.

I need to help myself curb away from the urge. I’ve never been an addict per se, not with narcos at least (and I suppose it’s a good thing I’ve never had a full, steady supply). With alcohol, maybe a little, ok a lot, but that’s another story. So admittedly, yes, I have an addictive personality–an addict’s tendencies. But I’m not half bad now. I’m not well either, but I’m not bad. I’m not. I don’t know. I feel a bit numb already, actually–momentarily dispersed into a strange depersonalized mood. Everything around me is vibrating and when I close my eyes, I can see every atom dissipate from my being. I’m outside looking in at that flesh that I call myself but isn’t really me. The flesh has no real sensation of its own. I do not feel it as my own.

God, I really need to eat me some of these impending shadows and then mercilessly turn them to the shit they really are out the other end! I’m strong. I’m smart. They think they have a hold of my mind, but I know I can outwit them.

Now here’s the oxymoron: darkness is merely an absence of light. Pure emptiness.