Billie Billie Billie Blue

January 24, 2013

Remember when I wrote “I fuckin’ love Nina Simone”? Course you don’t, so I’ll remind you here.

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You know who else I love? Billie Holiday. Yep, lady B. I love her wit, her style, her beauty, her voice and soul. I’ve started sketching again, along with all my other little crafts. Brunet Young calls them part of my “coping skills”.

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I started this one on New years Eve. It’s a portrait. I usually don’t do portrait and honestly hadn’t done one in years–not a detailed one at least. But part of my inspiration came from Lunch Sketch here on words press. Check him out HERE, he’s incredibly talented.

My sketch, finished yesterday (I’d put it down after starting it on New Years and picked it back up day before last) is here!

I messed up on her face a bit, particularly her lips, and got lazy towards the end. Note the lazily done flowers.

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Billie Holiday, pencil/graphite(c) 2013

Billie Holiday, pencil/graphite
(c) paz 2012

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addendum: I have wonderful news I will share in my next post! Actually I have lots of news–great, not so great, in between and more. I’ve been out for so long it seems. But I’m glad to be back today.

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Sinterklaas reblogged

December 23, 2012

I’ve been a terrible, lazy blogger as of late. I know. I haven’t even been reading from my favorite bloggies. Truth is, a lot is going on and I do want to share much of it, but I don’t know… Thankfully, I dont have a head full of PLDs (Pretty Little Demons) right now. I still feel better than I was several months ago, despite some terrible days these past two weeks.

I haven’t self-harmed in several weeks, almost two months I think–the last time being a burning incident triggered by booze and thoughts of Monkey Man. So anyway, that’s great that I haven’t! No major suicidal ideations either!

A lot is happening. And well, I want to blog some of it–MUCH of it– but for now, I’m rethinking this whole blog. (yeah, again). And thus, I’ll continue being lazy about it, at least until this White Baby Jesus thing is over with. So here is another one of my very first posts from last year. I was trying to develop my illustration style then (and still am). But here I actually sketched on the computer before it gave up on me in May. Anyway, I think this is a funny one and I hope you think so too.

Hope you all the best!

~Mouse love

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p.s. I just realized this isn’t the best post to re-blog considering the horror that happened at Sandy Hook Elementary. Being a kid is tough and I can’t even imagine… I got severely triggered by that–I’m talking trigger among triggers– it was bad. And I can only hope those kids who survived and their families/loved ones heal one day. It’s… ugh… I’ll shut up… Please don’t take offence. None was meant. This story is meant mostly to be lighthearted, albeit true and somewhat sad. It’s gotta be at least a little melancholic: I’m the MMM.

Melancholically Manic Mouse

There’s always that one elementary school teacher you hear about somewhere, the one that murders her students and their wild but fragile imaginations by telling them Santa is a hoax; that his slaved sweatshop elves and reindeer are also a hoax, AND, that they should go home and shame their parents. I read about such story not too long ago. I can’t blame her. Sometimes the scrooge and Grinch in us comes out.

I’m reminded about the time I tried to tell my third-grade classmates about Santa’s non-existence. It didn’t go so well, obviously.

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Firstly, I’m Colombian. And Colombians–at least when I was a kid in the late eighties–don’t celebrate Christmas with Santa Clause. People do put him on Christmas trees, little figurines are sold for decoration, you can hear his bells in shopping plazas, but he’s treated more as an uninvited guest, the bawdy drunken relative–distant relative–you let…

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I was invited to a game of tag by Sailor and Angel. I thought I’d answer Sailor’s questions today.

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1. Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse and if so what would be your weapon of choice?

This is a difficult question Sailor. I had a long discussion with my brother about this not too long ago and here’s what I came up with: On one hand, I’m in a wheelchair, so I can’t run even if my life depended on it. I might get a few yards in but then my legs would break due to my brittle bones condition, I’d thus fall and the zombies would have me prey. I’m only three feet and two inches tall, so I can’t hold really big guns unless I strap them onto my wheelchair or rig it up with weapons. I could also be strapped to a person’s back, but that may slow them down making us both soon-to-be-dead-meat. Taking those things into consideration, I have a slim chance of survival.

BUT, then on the other hand, I’m so small that I might be able to slip into little, crammed areas where zombies won’t reach me (unless I run into a zombie that’s dwarf-size like me or a baby zombie). While the zombies are looking straight ahead, I could slip under them unless there are a few crawling. I’m also quick and agile, so I might be able to train with knifes and fight off the zombies that way. Also, if I’m caught in an attack near a pool or a lake or some large body of water, I can most definitely get away. My endurance in the water is incredible, so I’d be able to swim to a small island somewhere–granted I’d have to make it to the ocean first.

In short, I probably have a 30% chance of survival, which isn’t too great. I’d be one hell of a zombie though. I’d be killer with my surprise and sneak attacks.

Zombie P, pen and ink. The tail must’ve fallen off. © Paz/mmm

2. If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?

Cheese! I can eat different kinds of cheese, right?

3. Do you think Noah had woodpeckers on the ark? If he did, where did he keep them?

Realmente no se. Tendría que abrir mi Biblia.

4. If space flight was affordable, would you go, just because you could?

I’ve always been fascinated with the universe and I love astronomy, so I most definitely would.

5. Would you very kindly draw me a picture of a bird and post it on your blog so I can add to my collection?

I’d love to! But I just spent too much time on the zombie-mouse which ended up funky looking, and then I realized it’s getting late here and I haven’t ate dinner. So here’s a picture of a bird I drew when I was in Florida back in January. Please ignore the random kids floating around the bird; they’re just doodles from my sketchbook but it’s all for you! (I’ll conjure up another bird eventually)

Bird for Sailor Carrie. © Paz


6. Do you think unicorns exist?

Only on other planets.

7. Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Were there razors in the jungle?

I thought Tarzan did have a beard. You got the Mouse very disappointed and confused Sailor. She’s banging at my skull now.

8. How old do you think you would be if you didn’t know how old you are?

Well, I’m the size of a five-year old, height-wise, but I’m definitely not a five-year old. So, I’ll go with ten, just ’cause I like even numbers and that’s the age my grandma kept saying she was when she had a stroke and started with the dementia.

9. Will you be joining me on my boat when I win the lottery? 

Hells yeah! I’d love to ride the MFF cruiser. But then you might loose me when I jump in to join the dolphins.

10. What makes you, you? 

There’s a house full of PLDs and a mouse living in my head.

11. Did you like my questions? Claro que si, mi querida marinera!

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I’m not going to tag anyone at the moment. But I will add that I made a Facebook page about two weeks ago. Feel free to check it out (or not).

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addendum: I hate Facebook! And I’m having terrible anxiety today. 😦 I remembered about a call I got two weeks ago from a reporter at the Houston Chronicle. It’s about the DREAM Act and deferred action. I told her I was down for an interview. But then my phone got funny and I wasn’t receiving texts for a week. I just got an old message she left me today. I don’t know what to do… I mean, the last interview was nerve wrecking. I wrote about it here: Interviews and Anxiety, a Retort.

I be P’s CopyRight Bouncer Bear, best listen.

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My Avengers Review, part two will not be completed (I know big disappointment right–a little sarcasm). Wasn’t a popular post anyway, maybe offensive to some of y’all, but additions to the initial review will be made since I’d already written some of it. Apologies. So in case you did, for some reason, want to finish reading whatever will be left of the second part, you can go back and look at that post.

I and mouse are not going along so well at the moment. We may have played Russian Roulette and relapsed. Please listen to the bear while I’m out–a few days, weeks or who who knows how long. He’s a bit tough, grungy and grumpy so he’s not to be taken lightly, and neither is Miss Monkey-bee. Though they do both have kind hearts and are very sweet when treated with care.

edit: The post above this one is one I don’t feel comfortable having public yet (if ever) but feel free to email me and ask for a password, since I do want to share it with some of you if you would like to read (my pet bloggers). I may still make use of the “like” button from time to time. Also, I have gotten THE FUNNIEST search terms this week. I’ll have to share them when I’m back from the dead. Here’s a sneak preview of one I got yesterday: “simpsons old man shaking crutches”. And today someone actually searched for borderline personality disorder on an Avengers character! See I’m not too far fetched diagnosing the Hulk as borderline. Search term: “personality disorder of avengers characters”

Thanks for reading and for the kind advice some of y’all have given me when I wrote my last desperate post..

My hunch was right!

I do have a fan, an Australian fan!

I figured out who it is too. And who knows, there may be more than one. There may be a dozen Aussie fans clicking away at my nonsense. There may be little Aussie fans multiplying out of that one fan–kind’a like Bruce Campbell’s character multiplies in that scene in The Army of Darkness with the mirror that shatters on the ground, leaving reflections of himself everywhere and all those tiny Bruce Campbell–tinier than me–reflections pop up out of the mirror every-which-way trying to kill him, only I don’t want to get killed by demented Aussie fan(s) or the demented reflections that came out of that one fan. I just want to be read by the Aussie fans (demented or not) as much as I love Australia.

(By the way, if you haven’t seen Army of Darkness, think Gullivers Travels when he gets caught by the little people in Lilliput and Blefuscu, only in a comical horror-adventure film–not nearly as good as it’s predecessors Evil Dead I and II–instead and everyone seems to be on some sort of psychotropic drug in some other strange, magical and medieval land. Coincidentally Lilliput is where Australia should be.)

Alright. Alright.

I don’t think I have a point to make tonight, if I ever did have one any other night and today is lacking, then I apologize in advance.

But I will say this, I think this blog’s been a good thing. It’s helped me write again, and writing again means I keep my mind full of less demons. Pretty and little as they may be, they are vicious and I’ve been telling them to vacate for nearly fifteen years and though sometimes they do scurry out, I somehow keep finding them back in there in my mouse hole, in my skull lounging about. And when they see me eying them deliberately, they scatter about like roaches but screech louder and more consistently than cicadas. They just don’t die entirely.

They started coming by again sometime in mid December soon after I’d opened up this blog, so it’s good I’m writing, right?

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I went to Texas Children’s Hospital today because I’m participating in a longitudinal study on Osteogenesis Imperfecta (OI). I’m not getting paid shit for it so my dad kept asking if I was going to get reimbursed for gas. I told him yes even though I’m not so sure. It’s all in the name of good science. I’m glad. Too bad that after dropping me off at Children’s, my dad broke down twice, once in the freeway I-59 which is congested as hell. I could just picture him there on the side of one of the busiest highways in Houston in the midday sun standing off to the farthest, rightmost lane while hundreds of cars swoosh inches away from him each minute.

Something would’ve been nice, like a consolation prize at least. I spend my good half of the day there at Children’s and at the end of it, when I did the pulmonary function test, the nurse screamed “go go go, push, push all that air out, go go go, push!” like I was lifting weights or giving birth or something. I asked if I was getting a prize, a scratch-and-sniff sticker at least and all she did was laugh.

I figure, instead, I’ll give a prize to my Aussie fan–the one getting me big headed, or bigger headed since my head-to-body ratio is low, something like 1:3 or 1:4 (Totsymae can attest to that).

Anyway, I’m gonna give this Aussie fan her present even though she, I mean she or he didn’t reveal themselves to me: it was what I had asked for remember? Ahem, don’t worry Aussie fan, I won’t reveal you just yet! I don’t want the other Aussies to get jealous ’cause I found you and liked you before I’d found out.

Turns out THE beautiful Aussie (whom I’m not disclosing just yet clickhereifyouwanttoseesomethinandsomethingelse) had awarded me one of those sweet awards going around.

The thing is, although I’m extremely, extremely flattered and excited and what-have-you, I’m still dealing with a lot and cannot fully accept to do the whole deciding and passing on. And I’m not that versatile am I? I mean, I just keep blogging about myself. Blegh. Also, I’m barely catching up on my favorite reads, so I’ll be slow at this if ever.

Besides, I’m a strange, indecisive girl and I don’t usually follow instructions well.

So here’s what I’ma gonna do.

Aussie fan, you get to choose something you like and I’m going to draw it for you! It has to be just one thing, like for example, I’d have a Nintendo controller for myself. Then, depending on what thing you choose, I’ll add another thing.

It may not be good, but it’s just for you.

Think about it and email me or post it here.

It’s my own personal challenge too. It may take a while because it takes me forever and a day and a half to get things done. In fact, I rarely finish what I start. I probably have over half a dozen half finished posts on here and a list full of shenanigans to put in my shenanigans page. (I uploaded old sketches there by the way.)

Anyway, blogging and writing and mental health…. 

PAZ December 2011 through April 2012

Me the last four months or so
copyright PAZ 2012

Today I’d be looking like She-Hulk instead of this.

Me broken arm

And this is me smiling at the blogosphere people who’ve made good suggestions, said thoughtful things, inspired me at one point or another and just plain read my nonsensical rambling. Here’s to the one’s that have made me smile, chuckle, giggle and laugh and spill my coffee like dear Dotty Headbanger. And, the mental health bloggers I’ve found are so addicting. I can really relate to you guys; it’s comforting to know.

It’s good to have a voice.

So here’s my consolation prize to yous guys who are not THE Aussie.

A little sketch.

Me smiling at yous

See. I’m SMILING. I’m smiling at YOU.

My arm actually hurt after doing those sketches, so you better like them!

You better, even though Id’a liked to sketch them better.

Really, not to make an excuse for my poor skill but I’m shaky as hell lately, like more than usual shaky, which sucks balls, old, hairy balls. I know, excuse my language guys but that’s how I speak sometimes and that’s how much it sucks. Anyway, I told the psychiatrist about this yesterday when I had my appointment but, egh. I may write about that later.

To be honest, I’m raging today. I’ve been raging for several days now, but the rage escalated today. I’m not really, really raging. But I’m fuckin‘ raging. I’ve been raging all day. Almost everything everyone says pisses me off. And I feel bad about it so I have to put myself in time out.

I helped my mom out with an application today (finally she does it) and I was raging. It was so bad, that rage, I even wanted to flip that computer keyboard over her right then and there.

The heat, that hellish salty and breathy heat I was talking about snuck by for a couple of hours while we were stuck in traffic, then I got home to a swarm of flies and mosquitos because we’re not turning on the air conditioning just yet to save up. I don’t mind that. What I mind is the damn flies and mosquito invasion.

There had to be another massacre today, too many mosquito and fly bodies to count.

My dad leaves the doors wide open and I have that sweet blood they like. So I’m raging and I rage some more from the three dozen mosquito bites I got on my legs, my arms, my shoulders and back and face and eyelids and forehead and foot (that one really itches) and I even got some up my thighs and butt.

Man I’m raging. I want to smash things so I better go lie down..

I drew a little to placate the rage but then raged some more.

Anyway, this one is for you guys. Not the rage, the smile.