A Small Rant

May 21, 2012

This looking for a new sliding scale therapist thing is sucking old man hairy balls (yeah, I got a searcher on that one too, could you believe it? “old hairy balls” Yeah, I attract the funniest searchers. No offense guys.).

Just called three different places. Catholic Charities didn’t even pick up. Then I called my Ex-Young Therapist and asked if she’d been able to find someone for me. She said, “I thought you were going to look at the guide and then call me?”

Oops.

I told her I’d had a crisis situation last week and that I’d done some harm to myself and that I have been calling places. She sounded irritated. I hope she doesn’t think I’m having trouble with attachment with her. UGhhh.

She said she’d closed out my file and that unfortunately, if I wanted to go back and see someone at the university, I’d have to go in on the waiting list again like I did two years ago when I started with her.

“I’m sorry P. But if you feel you’re in danger, you can always go to the ER.”

I don’t wanna go inpatient. I’m sorry I didn’t quite get what you’d said at first.

The new Male-Therapist-Who-Is-Really-a-She is good. I liked her. But every 4 to 6 weeks isn’t going to cut it and that’s all she can offer at the community hospital’s outpatient clinic. I may as well fight it out on my own like I have many years back.

FUCK.

I feel like quitting. This choosing to live thing has proven easier in theory than in practice. Maybe that’s not true though. I tend to have a skewed perspective when I’m like this…

Ugh… I’ll go through “the guide”.

I’ll will myself through this shit though I’m kinda not wanting to do the therapy thing anymore.

Time to make me some coffee and print this guide out ’cause the screen is making my head feel funnier.

Life is beautiful, it’s precious, it’s [insert other euphemism]. It is the only one we know we’ll get. So why waste it? Why throw it away?

Sure, there are tsunamis that claw over, killing hundreds of people and hurricanes and tornadoes and earthquakes all leaving ravage in their wake; there’s disease and famine, and worst of all, the man-made stuff–if you don’t count some of the natural disaster stuff being partially an effect of some of the man made stuff.

But still, why throw it away?

I have often wondered “How does one get to that point?” of taking your own life, of constantly being bombarded by thoughts of suicide. I wonder about this, even when I myself have been there countless times. So I can only imagine how incomprehensible it maybe for someone who’s never dealt with chronic depression and chronic thoughts of suicide like I have.

I say take this as a trigger warning, please: I will refer to suicide a lot in this post. Read the rest of this entry »