So, I’d written a “Good List, Round Three” last week and never published it because of what was stated in the last two posts. Basically, I’m still a rubber ball bouncing down that cobbled-stone road. Hopefully the road levels off soon, but it looks like one of those mountainous roads in Colombia.

Anywho, here’s a “Good List” 3.1. It’s short and sweet.

Numero 36

I got “The Buddha and the Borderline” by Kiera Van Gelder in the mail yesterday. Thanks to Zen for recommending it. I asked my brother if he could order it from me  from Amazon since I no longer have  a bank account and that I would pay him back since I got paid for that photo restoration of that military looking guy. Well, he just offered to give it to me and I’ve been carrying it around since yesterday along with “Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy” by David D. Burns, M.D.. That book was actually a gift from my Ex-Young Therapist. I’ll talk about that Burns fella sometime.

Numero 37

I got to go in for an unscheduled thirty minute therapy session with New Male Therapist. I had called her to ask about any updates on the DBT group and she said she’d look into why they’re taking so long to get in touch with me. She also said that coincidentally her 2:30 cancelled so I went in. I told her I had three leads for therapists and that if all works out, I may be going back to the university since I had my intake phone session last Thursday. I was honest to her about what I’ve been dealing with these past weeks since I last spoke with her on the phone (didn’t tell her about the little cutting incident though). I did discussed options for inpatient. She was very good about informing me. The community/general hospital would basically take an evaluation of me at the ER and put me on a 24 hour observation deal, ughhh, and then decide if I need to be committed. It all sounds really blegh to me, but it was discussed and discussing it made me feel better or less indecisive. I don’t know. Texas is very underfunded in these things, so umm… this is a good list… let’s move on.

Numero 38

I got a call from Mansie today. She said I got the job…er internship job! I’m so excited but I still feel like clicking a gat to my head. But let’s just focus on the good thing, which is I got it! And Mansie will be my supervisor and though I will not get into the details of it (sssssht!), I will say that there will be no problem with my immigration status or lack thereof, for the time being. It’s stipend pay and since I’m an intern, I won’t be on payroll. I start next week on whichever day I’d like to come in they said.

Numero 39

The Bill Collector Mafia sent a death threat this week, only it wasn’t threatening my death! They’ll hit me where it hurts! My little Luna. Yep, they said, they’d take her hostage if I don’t pay up. The good thing about this you ask? Well, I didn’t freak out. I didn’t have another one of those pesky and painful panic attacks I’ve been having lately. I told Luna I loved her and that I wouldn’t let that Bill Collector Mafia get their hands on her. I told her that now that I have a “job”, I can probably figure things out.

Numero 40

I feel some funny juices stirring. I think I may be able to be funny again. All this crying has me drained, but I’m hopeful of that much.

I have an addictive personality.

addendum: Sneak Peak  Of Today’s Search Term Hits

Search Views
melancholicallly mouse 3
3d animation avengers 1
hulk hairy bear 1
site:wordpress.com five stages grief 1
putas perras 1
what if all the guys pose as girls in avengers 1
faces bpd 1
i dont give a damn what you think i do this for me so fuck the world 1
avengers why dont males pose like males 1
Other search terms 10
Unknown search terms 6
Total search terms 21

Why don’t males pose like males? What the fuck? ugggh. Fail kid. FAIL. The one before that one made me laugh though: “i dont give a damn what you think i do this for me so fuck the world”. Yep, you said it how it is. Damn straight kid. And another hairy Hulk search? I’m not even going to comment. Woops, just did.

addendum 2: Anyone get to see Venus? I sure as hell didn’t. I had to go online today to see Venus. Yesterday, I went outside and there were too many trees in the way. I’d gone to get the mail and found my book was there (read above!), and on my way back, I poked holes on those mailer advertisement mags, put on my fly aviator glasses and just stood there for about fifteen minutes like an idiot trying to find little Venus. Little Luna was next to me huffing and puffing but Little Venus was hiding behind leaves, just messing with me while two kids on bikes stared at me like I was crazy. hahah. Little do they know. Little do they know…

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A Small Rant

May 21, 2012

This looking for a new sliding scale therapist thing is sucking old man hairy balls (yeah, I got a searcher on that one too, could you believe it? “old hairy balls” Yeah, I attract the funniest searchers. No offense guys.).

Just called three different places. Catholic Charities didn’t even pick up. Then I called my Ex-Young Therapist and asked if she’d been able to find someone for me. She said, “I thought you were going to look at the guide and then call me?”

Oops.

I told her I’d had a crisis situation last week and that I’d done some harm to myself and that I have been calling places. She sounded irritated. I hope she doesn’t think I’m having trouble with attachment with her. UGhhh.

She said she’d closed out my file and that unfortunately, if I wanted to go back and see someone at the university, I’d have to go in on the waiting list again like I did two years ago when I started with her.

“I’m sorry P. But if you feel you’re in danger, you can always go to the ER.”

I don’t wanna go inpatient. I’m sorry I didn’t quite get what you’d said at first.

The new Male-Therapist-Who-Is-Really-a-She is good. I liked her. But every 4 to 6 weeks isn’t going to cut it and that’s all she can offer at the community hospital’s outpatient clinic. I may as well fight it out on my own like I have many years back.

FUCK.

I feel like quitting. This choosing to live thing has proven easier in theory than in practice. Maybe that’s not true though. I tend to have a skewed perspective when I’m like this…

Ugh… I’ll go through “the guide”.

I’ll will myself through this shit though I’m kinda not wanting to do the therapy thing anymore.

Time to make me some coffee and print this guide out ’cause the screen is making my head feel funnier.

Life is beautiful, it’s precious, it’s [insert other euphemism]. It is the only one we know we’ll get. So why waste it? Why throw it away?

Sure, there are tsunamis that claw over, killing hundreds of people and hurricanes and tornadoes and earthquakes all leaving ravage in their wake; there’s disease and famine, and worst of all, the man-made stuff–if you don’t count some of the natural disaster stuff being partially an effect of some of the man made stuff.

But still, why throw it away?

I have often wondered “How does one get to that point?” of taking your own life, of constantly being bombarded by thoughts of suicide. I wonder about this, even when I myself have been there countless times. So I can only imagine how incomprehensible it maybe for someone who’s never dealt with chronic depression and chronic thoughts of suicide like I have.

I say take this as a trigger warning, please: I will refer to suicide a lot in this post. Read the rest of this entry »