February 6, 2013
I was upset, very upset. It was 6:15 and I saw the email: “Please answer me. I drove 110 miles to come see you” it read.
I thought he’d been held up by a traffic jam, but it turns out he’d been outside my house–around the corner somewhere waiting for me for over half an hour. There was miscommunication. I told him not to knock if both cars were still in the driveway. Well, it turns out I’d forgotten my bro’s beat-up-and-broken-down BMW is in our driveway. So GB thought it best not to knock. His phone broke so he emailed me from his laptop. How was I supposed to know? I felt terrible.
I was waiting for him to come by so we could fuck. I know, that sounds crude and vulgar but it is what it is. I don’t fuck a lot and I haven’t even mentioned GB ’cause I didn’t even know he existed before my hiatus from bloggieland. But that’s beside the point. I went out to see if he was out there then I realized the message had been sent at 5:34. I replied with various emails on my phone and he said he’d headed back at 6:00. Fuck! I felt a surge of anger, towards myself. Why wasn’t I clear about it. White car, blue van, blah blah. I miscommunication.
I figured since I was outside with the dogs I’d get the mail–use my DBT skills and whatnot. Then it all came rushing in. I started choking, the tears fell and the sobs ran. My frustration had built up, but it wasn’t just that, it was today. Today is the day. Specifically.
One year ago today, I hung out with Monkey Man for the last time. We watched the Superbowl with his friends, ate brisket (first time I ate red meat after years), we cuddled, I played a prank on his friend and broke my arm; said friend’s girlfriend made tea for us while I took one of Monkey Man’s painkillers and smoked a few puffs of his weed. The night didn’t end well but it was beautiful. It really was. It was just chill. Simple. Nice. It had been a long time since I’d had a relatively peaceful evening hanging out with him, so this night stood out and little did I know I’d be the last night I’d have with him. I thought “yes, he’s getting better”. And my fears of getting a call, that call you get when an addict finally does it–all of them dispelled that night.
But I’m reminded of a Peaches song, “Fuck the pain away”. That’s what I wanted to do today. It’s just that… I wanted to curl up in someone for just one moment. Instead, I crossed the street, key in hand, and noticed a dead squirrel. I looked at it, took a picture with my phone, and for an instant I felt ok, not because of the poor squirrel’s fat but the sense of peace its little head held. It almost looked like it was dreaming.
I thought, maybe that’s what Monkey Man felt before he passed? I hope…
addendum: A cat has been nibbling at it since then. C’est la vie.
December 1, 2012
November 29, 2012
I went to therapy today. We’re back on our regular Thursday schedule. I told my dad I’d take the bus but he said I was so humble about it that he would drive me there. We didn’t argue this time!
My next assignment for therapy is to work on logging down my interactions with my pops so we can debrief the next session. I told her about the nightmares I’ve been having. They pop up every other night. In my dream last night–or this morning rather–I was getting severely beaten. I won’t say by who. Luna heard me wake up screaming and rushed into the room with ears turned back. The fluff ball jumped on me and we cuddled. She’s so good to me.
Brunet Young is helping me get into a DBT group that should start in January. She found an outpatient DBT program, but it’s too many hours–it’s outpatient, almost inpatient and I no longer need to be outpatient (funny, when I needed it, I couldn’t get it). So she’s looking for a less intensive program. She’s also seeing if I can get into an animal shelter as a volunteer! It will be yet another support system to implement my therapy.
What else? I pulled a muscle this morning while rushing to the restroom. I think I’ll still go swimming tonight though; Mouse and I haven’t decided. Besides, no broken bones from yesterday evening’s fall is good enough for me.
I admit though, I shaved off my Movember Mousestache. It was getting real fuckin’ itchy. Anyway, here’s what I shot on my way back from therapy.
For being the fourth largest city in the United States, we don’t have a very impressive downtown. Most of the buildings are scattered about like leaves in clusters, each cluster miles apart from the other. There is the medical center which is a downtown of its own, then there is uptown and midtown. I think if you combine the three, you’d have a hell of a downtown, but otherwise, it’s puny.
But this weather is nice. It was around 50F this morning and now it’s 68F. Beautiful.
Personally, Main Street downtown is very pretty since a lot of the buildings there are nineteenth-century and early twentieth century art-deco. Mostly though, there are just plain sixties and seventies post modern blocks with faceless facades. Houston grew with the baby boomers of the ’50s, the development of 1950s inter-state highway system and oil boom. There you go.
November 25, 2012
Southeast Texas is beautiful this time of year. A lot of the coastal birds are filling the sky and chirping all around–on trees, light posts, stop light, electric wires (yeah), and big signs that stick out of shops.
I’ve been back in therapy since sometime in early July (or was is late June?), and I’ve taken a few snapshots when I get the chance to stick around for a while. It’s good to be able to do some art therapy right after psychotherapy I usually stick around when I take the bus there. Last week my dad took me; the week before last, I didn’t go because I had surgery.
I took these sometime mid-October, soon after my birthday.
There are still more but I’m just putting ten for now.
Oh! I also started swimming again today! The water was freezing cold (not really). But last night, I had an attack of the mentals as Le Sailor might say. I don’t know what happened. It just came on so sudden. I’d been relatively stable–as in kind of “normal”, whatever that means. But the last few days have been strange, like a sort of spike. Here’s what I wrote on my Facebook page last night. I still don’t know how to describe this feeling.
“I feel strange. I can’t even put words to it. I hope it’s not the darkness and the PLDs settling in again. No, no no. I even yelled harshly at Luna for licking my nose. Of course I asked for forgiveness, which she immediately did. I feel a rage surging deep down within me though. I’m starting to sense that I can’t trust anyone.”
Fortunately, two of my lovely blogging buddies send me some comforting words. Thanks guys!
Here’s where you can see the post Campus Crawlin’ – Part 1
NOTE: I didn’t watermark these because I think they look better without a big ole copyright sign on them and a big ole PAZZZZZZ. You know the Monkey Bee (see below) WILL STAB YOU if you dare copy these as your own. She don’t play.
October 12, 2012
I’ve been going to the university a lot this week. For one, I go to therapy there. It’s cheap and I don’t have insurance. Two, I’m still dealing with the immigration issue and the law center has law students that help you out. It’s free.
I’ve been taking a few pictures around campus. It’s made me a little nostalgic. I miss school, miss schoolin’. I almost feel like a student again with all my creepin’ and crawlin’ around campus these days. And I’m still working on my stealth. It’s a bit difficult with the wheelchair getting in the way. I also need to take my telephoto lens next time! It would have made the pictures better had I had it with me. I’ll get better shots next time. It’s just a bit of a pain switching lenses, especially because the telephoto lens is nearly one-third my full body size.
I’ll post the other set later… Mouse must go swim!
addendum: The waffle bus and Bernie’s Burger Bus are a fuckin’ rip off! Don’t buy their burgers. (I never did, just sayin’)
October 7, 2012
These are a few photos I took a couple of weeks ago on the bus stop near my side of town. I was heading to therapy, and seeing the phone booth and empty newspaper stands made me want to shoot ’em–with me camera lens that is. I actually had my Nikon D-70 on me that day, so voila. You don’t see these around much nowadays.
The last picture kind of sucks. So pardon my mediocrity. I’m not a photographer. I’m simply a mental midget with a somewhat fancy camera, a vagabond, a non-poet that can sometimes write versus and sing and make people laugh though she herself is crying.
Life’s been better these days though, and I’m really laughing on the inside as well as the outside. 🙂 The PLDs are mostly at bay.
p.s. Monkey Bee says don’t try any FUCKIN’ tricks with the phone booth shots!
love from the Mouse
October 2, 2012
Took these a few weeks ago while waiting for little Luna to poop. heheh. And it occurred to me that I don’t know much about flowers. I know what I learned in biology ages ago, but I don’t really know. I’m an ignorant fool when it comes to flowers.
addendum: Deedee says they’re hibiscus.
addendum 2: These be (c) by PAZ. Remember the Monkey Bee is watching you down below, for copyright infringements that is.
September 5, 2012
Last Thursday I meant to write about my trip to therapy but I got distracted by the insanity of Le Clown’s blogroll contest. I now have to go to rehab for WP addiction. (It was fun though Le Clown, it really was.)
Anywho, I did take pictures of my trip to therapy last week. Again, it was with my crappy Nokia 5230 (it’s not THAT crappy). I had a lovely ride. It was a gorgeous day–one of those days where you feel the Houston heat and humidity suffocating you. “Asphyxiate on this, suckas!” says the southern Sun. You know, like the living in a sweaty armpit metaphor I used a while back? Yeah, it was one of those armpit living days.
I was all ready for therapy, ready to bitch and moan. But I ended up taking the bus late. I arrived at Wheeler station (near downtown) and realized, I wasn’t going to make it on time.
Some people carry umbrellas ’cause it’s so damn hot. Someone should’ve told him it’s a stupid idea to carry a BLACK umbrella since black absorbs more heat, but I wasn’t the asshole to do it.
Once I got to Wheeler Station, I arrived at the MetroRail train heading downtown towards the downtown transit center. I hopped in the northbound train.
The lady in the striped dress helped me out when I nearly got crushed by the sliding doors. Had I not been in my wheelchair, I could’ve been sawed in half (not really, but the image is striking, isn’t it?).
Once I arrived at the downtown transit center and REALLY did get hit by the sliding door, I ran into the lady with the dress again. I also ran into another lady with a baby in a stroller. I wanted to take a picture but was too shy. I also didn’t want attitude; lady looked like she had attitude and might of said something like, “Da hell ya takin’ a pict-sha of my babey fo’?!”
So I just let his sleeping, curly-haired cuteness be.
I had to cross Main Street to get to the transit center and as I did that, I noticed there were cops arresting this dude off on the right parking lot. So I quickly took out my phone and thought to myself, “this is blog material, must take photo now before the cops see”. I think they still noticed I was taking a picture of them.
But get this, lady in the striped dress runs next to me saying, “Girl, you can’t be tweetin’ and crossin’ the street at the same time! Come on now!” I was about to say that I was actually takin’ a picture of the cops and that I don’t even have a Twitter account or internet on my phone to begin with. But I just nodded at her. She did save my life earlier.
As I waited for my last bus (yes, I take a bus, a train and another bus), I called the university psychology research and services clinic to tell them I’d be running “about fifteen minutes late”. Ha! They should know I’m terrible and guesstimating time.
And here’s where I make my social commentary. The majority of the people that take the bus in the area where I live are 1) latino, 2) black, 3) asian. I wonder why? *cough*
When you get to the university, you only see black folks on the bus because the university is near a historically black part of town called Third Ward (my dad thought it was Third World; he can’t understand English that well). It’s a poor area. But I love it in many ways.
I live in the far southwest side though, so I don’t get much of Third Ward anymore. I did when I was living at the university, but now that I’m back with my old folks, I don’t. Well, I do when I go to therapy now. And downtown, near the oil towers, it is a little different. You see a lot of nurses and businessmen–mainly white–and a grand ethic mix is only off to the side.
It’s funny how little certain things have changed. Third Ward is still poor and black. Downtown oil towers are still run by old, rich men.
This is the part where half a dozen pigeons begged me to feed them. I was ready to take AMAZING, head-exploding photos (because that’s what I do), but my damn phone ran out of battery juice. So I was left picture-less and the pigeons where left hungry.
Turns out I got to therapy 40 minutes late! Forty minutes for a fifty minute session! That’s nearly an hour-and-a-half bus ride. Needless to say, we had to reschedule for tomorrow. I won’t be late this time! I’ll tell you though, I used up those ten minutes like never before. It’s a good thing I’ve been hyped, ’cause I was able to bitch and moan a mile a minute.
I didn’t completely loose my trip to the uni though. I went to the student center and signed up in line at the academic records to get my transcript for the DACA application (Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals) I’m filling out for immigration. They withheld it because I still owe the Debt Collector Mafia two thousand dollars. 😦 Fuck you bill collectors! Let me get my transcripts!
So I zipped my little ass over to the law clinic–where I’m getting free legal advice (YEAH! YEAH!)–and I asked about the lawyer. I schedule for today. So after this, I shall be getting ready to go see the lawyer. Wish me luck.
Ooooh, and who’s the lovely lady you ask? It’s none other than the magnificent Ringmistress (aka Sara Draws) over at Laments and Lullabies. It’s her birthday today and I dedicate these photos to her. 😉
These less-than-mediocre photos are for you lovely lady! Happy barfday! (don’t barf too much now)